Varieties.

Cromwell Argus, Volume I, Issue 24, 27 April 1870, Page 3

Varieties.

Flowers of fclio Ocean.—’Lady Bathers. Why is an artist stronger than a horse ? Because ho can draw a horse. Punch discovers that the sea is a better housekeeper than the earth, because the sea is more tidy.

A Norfolk (Va.) paper says there is a man in that city so ugly that with six frowns he can kill a bulldog.

It is generally believed that Cowpor was a Freemason, as ho wished to erect “a lodge in some vast, wilderness.”

Female pickpockets all wear the convenient Arab shawls. They fold their shawls like the Arabs, and as silently steal away. Josh Billings says that “some peoples are fond ov braggiu about their ansesstors, and their grate descent, when in fack, their grate descent iz jist what’s the matter ov them.” “How old are you?” asked a railroad conductor of a little girl whom her mother was trying to pass on a half ticket. “1 am nine at home, but in the cars [ am only six and a half.” In ancient times the precept was, “ Know thyself.” In modern times it has been supplanted by the far more fashionable maxim, “Know thy neighbour, and everything about him. ”

“ I sells peppermints on Sunday,” remarked a good old lady, who kept a candy shop, “ because they carries ’em to church and eats 'em, and keeps awake to hear the sermon ; but if you wants comfits, you must coma week-days. They’re secular commodities.” A wealthy gentleman who owns a country seat nearly lost his wife, who fell into a river which Hows through his estate. He announced the narrow escape to his friends, expecting their congratulations. One of them, an old bachelor, wrote as follows :—“ I always told you that the river was too shallow.”

Sectarian Oxen. — A minister travelling along a Texas road mot a stranger driving his waggon, which was drawn by four oxen. As the minister approached, he heard the driver say : —“ Get up, Presbyterian ! Gee, Oampbellite ! Haw, Baptist ! What are you doing, Methodist ? ” The minister, struck with the singularity of such names being given to oxen, remarked : “ Stranger, you have strange names for your oxen, and 1 wish to know why you have such names given to them ? ” The driver replied : “ I call that lead ox in front Presbyterian, because he is true blue, and never fails. Ho believe in pulling through every difficult place, persevering to the end ; and then ho knows more than all the rest. The one by his side I call Oampbellite ; he does very well when you let him go on his own way, until he sees water, and then all the world could not keep him out of it, and there he stands as if his journey had ended. This olf ox is a real Baptist, for he is ail the time after water, but is constantly looking on one aide and then on the other, and at everything that comes near him. The other, which I call Methodist, makes a great noise and a great ado, and you would think he was pulling all creation, but he don’t pull a pound.” A Scene in Court. —A few days ago (says the New Orleans Picayune), an old lady and a young one found themselves in Court, charged with disturbing the peace. The officer’s statement was clearly giuen, and displayed an equal culpability in both. It was evident, however, that the Court inclined towards a favourable judgment to the younger lady, and the scales of justice were rapidly tipping in her favour. “ Why did you abuse this young lady?” themagistrato demanded of the old one. “ I had a right to,” was the calm reply. “ What was she doing?”—“ Keeping company with a very improper character.”—“ And what is that to you ?” —“She’s my daughter.”—“Oh, indeed! and do you think the person was an improper character ? ” —“ I do, sir.”—“ Do you know who ha was?”—“l don’t know his name. I’ve seen him frequently prowling around after night.” And then, as if actuated by a sudden impulse, the old lady adjusted her spectacles, peered cautiously at the Court from under her great sun-bonnet, and then exclaimed—“ Good lack ! good lack !—Why you’re the man!”—“Mo! me?" exclaimed the astonished Court. “Me, woman ; did you see me ?” a gain the spectacles were adjusted, and the curious gaze prolonged, while the old lady nodded her head at intervals. “ Yes, yes, it’s the same ugly face. I’m sure of it ; but I’ll forgive yon this time ; I’ll forgive you.” And the old lady hobbled away, leaving the Court gasping with astonishment, and unable to interpose an objection to her departure.

A Ridiculous Sequence. — A Richmond journal says—The other day a t vo-ceut dog sprang from an alley, closely followed by a tivo-ceut brick. Rounding the corner at right angles, he came in contact with the feet of a Dutch woman, who was carrying a jug of molasses in one hand, and a basket of eggs in the other. Tho sudden collision of the dog with her lower extremities threw her from her feet, and she sat down upon the basket of eggs, at tho same time breaking the jug of molasses upon the pavement. A young gentleman, carpetbag in hand, anxious to catch the train, was running close behind, and stepping on the jug and its contents, sat down on the chest of the Dutchwoman, who said “ Mine Gott.” The young man said something about mad dog, but in the excitement said it backwards. In tho meantime tho dog ran against the feet of a team of horses, attacked to a load, of potatoes, and they, taking fright, started ‘/>r home. The end board being out, they unloaded, the potatoes along the street as they went. Grossing the railroad track, thewaggo/ caught in the rails, and tore one of them froy. its place.. A freight train coming along a few momenta, later was thrown from the tract, smashing up u dozen cars, and killing thirty, i / forty hogs. Thehorses, on reaching homo, r.:/i trough the barm yard, and overturned a milic-pail and contents, which another two-coni dog licked up. One ot the horses, having broken h;s leg, was killed, this wonting, and the other is crippled for lifcv