VARIETIES.

Cromwell Argus, Volume III, Issue 138, 2 July 1872, Page 7

VARIETIES.

When a man has "no mind of his own", his wife genoraLy gives him a piece of hers.

A bad marriage is like eiq elec ric-ru vchine : it makes you dance, but you cau't let it go.

The Western confectioner who a few months ago taught his parrot to say " Pretty creature'' to every lady who entered his store, is now a millionaire.

Thirsty Virginians when asking you to "liquor" say "Specify your funeral promoter." The popular mode of asking one what he will take to drink in Vicksburg, is, " Please nominate your family disturbance."

It is five years since nitro-glycerine came into use. The one thousand seven hundred persons whom it has killed or maimed for life, and the millions of property which it has destroyed, may be styled recommendations of its efficiency.

"Hollo, dar, you nigger, what you ax for dat old blind mule, hey ?"—'' Well, I dunno ; I mout take thirty-five dollars."—"Thirty-five dollars ! I'll gib you five."—" Well, you may have him ; I won't stand on thirty dollars—in de mule trade."

When a jury in Mississippi went out to deliberate, one juror asked another, " Is dis a hanging case?''—"To be sure, nigger," was the answer. " Well," said the first juror, " dis nigger heerd one dem lawyers say dat boy's gose comin' back here and hant us if we hang him. Ino go for hangin' and have dat boy's gose foller me ! No sir." Verdict of manslaughter.

A bridegroom in Cleveland kept the wedding ring in his mouth during the first part of the ceremony, so that he could find it when the right time arrived. He mumbled the responses all right till the minister winked at him as a hint to produce the ring, when in his nervousness he swallowed it, and the marriage had to be concluded without a ring.

Yankee 'Cuteness.—One of the very best jokes we have heard for a long time is credited to au American visitor to England. " Wall, stranger," he is reported to have said, " I guess that your English juries ain't smart no how. If an American jury had tried the Tichborne case now, I'll tell you what they'd have done. They'd just have bought all the Tichborne bonds, and then have f. uud a verdict for the plaintiff."

A married woman in Decatur, Ohio, the other day, uiningjfor her husband's society, went with her three little children to the billiard-room, and took a seat by his side. •' It's disgraceful," said he, looking daggers at her* " I know it," continued the injured wife, "and you have borne the disgrace so long, my dear, that I am determined henceforth to share it with you," and she took out her knitting-work and settled down for the evening. He went home much earlier, and it was the last of him seen in that billiard-room.

There used to be a pious old negro in Boston, named Ciesar, and he was in the habit of praying so loudly as to be heard by many of his neighbours. On retiring for the night his petition invariably was—" Lord, send dy angel for ole Caesar—ole Cresar always ready." One evening two of his neighbours, good men, but sometimes bored by his "style," thought they would try him on. They took position at the door, and when the usual petition was made, that "theLord would send the angel," ole Creesar being always ready, they loudly knocked at the door. "Whodar?" said the darkey. "The angel of the angel of the Lord, come for ole Ccesar," was the reply. Out went the light, a scrambling into be I was heard, and then, in tiembling voice, that, same old uncle said, "Go away dar ! go away ! Die Ciesar been dead dis ten years !"

A Novel Cat.—A member of the editorial staff of the Cleveland Leader, it is said, has invented a sheet-iron cat, with cylindrical attachment and steel claws and teeth. It is worked by clockwork. A bellows inside swells up the tail at \\i ', to a bellgcrent size, and, by a tremulo attachment, causes at the same time the patent cat to emit all noises of which the living cat is capable. When you want fun you wind up your cat and place him upon the roof. Every cat within half a mile hears him, girds on his armour and sallies forth. Frequently fifty or a hundred attack him at once. No sooner does the patent cat feel the weight of an assailant than his teeth and claws work with lightning rapidity. Adversaries within six feet of him are torn to shreds. Fresh battalions come on to meet a similar fate, and in an hour several bushels of hair, toe-nails, and fiddle-strings al>ae remain A Secret

' Row do you Jo, Mrs Tonehave you heard that story about Mrs Lundy ?" —"Why, no, Mrs (Jad— do tell !"—" Oh, I promised not to tell foi all the world ; no, I. must never tell on't, I am afraid it will git out." —"Why, I'll never tell on't as long as I live, jest as true as the r/orld ; what is it ? come tell." —" Now you won't say anything about it, will you?"—" No, I'll never open my head about it. never. Hope to die this minute."—"Well, if you'll believe me, Mrs Funday told me last night, that Mrs Trott told her that her sister's husband was told by a person who dreamed it, that Mrs Trouble's oldest daughter told Mrs Xiohens that her grandmother heard by a letter that she got from her third sister's second husband's oldest brother's step-daughter, that it was reported by the captain of a clamboat, ar--1 rived from the Fiji Islands, that the mermaids I of that section wore sharkskin bustles, stuffed ■with pickled eel's toes."