VARIETIES.

Cromwell Argus, Volume IV, Issue 170, 11 February 1873, Page 7

VARIETIES.

y j 0 I A Suggestive Sound.— Shrill hoy fat play with . I l-opgun* 10 sensitive elderly gentleman) : Does . i this noise annoy you, uncle?— Elderly gentleman: j No, my hoy. It sounds like the pop of a cork, f A fond mother took her little hoy up on her f knee, and kissed him. The hoy said, “.Mama, . , what makes papa kiss you so often?”—“Became , he loves me, my dear.”- “ Well, then, he loves , our eook, too, for he kissed her three times while r you were at church !” fc Such is Life.—Smith: “By the bye, Jones, 1 where's your brother Tom? Ain’t seen him , | lately.” Jones: “Tom? Not heard, eh? Dead i;—buried him yesterday.” Smith: “Gar bless '; my soul ! Buried yesterday ! Well, he had a ; do sid fine day for it.” j “ Ala, why don’t you speak ?” asked little ■ | Jake. “ Why don’t you say suthin’ funny ?” 1 I “What can I say? Don’t you see Jin' busy . frviug doughnuts ? S;y suthiii’ funny, indeed ; ’ a cake ?’ Tint 'ml he funny for you. ” A lady and gentleman were conversing on iho ' science of grammar. “Fray, madam, what part of speech is a kiss?” asked the gentleman • “a substantive, I believe,’ lie added. “Isit a noun proper or common?” interrogated the lady. “ Both proper and common,” was the reply. A literary lady, expressing to Dr Johnson her i approbation of his Dictionary, and in particular her satisfaction at his not admitting into it any I improper words: “No, Madam.”" replied he'; ; “ 1 hope 1 have not soiled my lingers; 1 find,' however, that you have been looking for them.” The paternal author of this years belle at the Virginia springs, was approached by a youth who requested a few minutes’ couveisation in private, and be an : “ [ was reguesßrl to see you, sir, by your lovely daughter. ()ur attachment •” “ Young man,” interrupted the parent, briskly, “ I. don't know what that girl of mine is about. \ on are the f nirtu gentleman woo has approached me this morning on that subject. I have given ' mv consent to the others, anil I give it to you. ! God bless you !” j Geology by the Seaside.—Mr Periwinkle (to fcTow-mcmbers of the Feebleoiogic Club) : • ■Ah, mv friends here is matter tor congratulation—perhaps there is not the equal of this specimen in the best collections of Europe. Here we have a fossil shoe : probably a relic of some wave-tossed mariner, of a. former ago. Observe —the action of the various salts, working in c injunction with the oxide of the metal mills, lias caused the leather to become one mass of hard laid stone substance. The probability is-,—” Voice fion Die sea ! mine, old feller ! I'm anvatehiu’ of yer !” [Not.Punch. Good b’ezoiushuns for 1573 :—That I won't smoke enny more chavs, only at sumbody’s else’a expense. I pat i wont borv w nor lend—esr.cshully loud. I hat. i will st ck tow ray tai lor ;\7, long as lie. will slick tew me. That no man shall boat me in politeness not so long as politeness kont nues to be as cheap as it is now. 'Flint if a lovely w mini smalm me on one chock, in ill turn to her the other also. That i will tri hard to ho honest, but it. will bo just mi darn luck tew miss ir. ! hat. i will love my mother-in-law if it takes ail the money i can earn tew do it. That i will brag on mv wife all the time, but i will do it siletr.lv. ih.it i will livigli every goo 1 chance i cm got. wuether it will make me grow pbatt. <n‘ not. Finally, i will search for things that am little, things tbit are. lonesome, nvmjiig all torchlite prosesnuns. bonds of iiri.ss music wifnnnn's • ights o-viv;;»uhi»n3. an i r,i j wii.L.s nuralb;, - Tosh Bilim -s, *