Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXV, Issue 2051, 30 November 1907, Page 4 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

A DIPLOMATIST. Mother: “So you wish to marry my daughter?” He (gallantly) : “Partly that, madam, anil partly that you may b© my mother-in-law.’’ A SPOONERISM. r An old gentleman who was somewhat absent-minded at times had a way of reversing his words. He one day entered a confectioner’s shop, and asked tho assistant to give him a “Bath of milk and a glass bun.” ONE OE OUR, CROSSES. “Hullo, Jones, what are you doing wiith your coat buttoned up to your chili? Arc you ill?” “Hush, don’t mention it; I luavo on a tie that my wife selected.” A SHY GIRL. “Y'es,” said the young student thoughtfully, “.when 1 get interested in ia subject I never shop until. 1 have embraced iit thoroughly.” “That’s nice,” was his sweetheart’s hesitating reply. “1 wish I was an interesting subject.” And she promptly became one. WITHOUT HELP. Airs. Timson’s patience was; much tried by a servant who had a habit of standing about with her mouth open. One day, as the maid 'waited at table, she was indulging in her gaping proclivity, when her mistress, giving her a severe look, said : “Alary, your mouth is open.” “Y T es, mum,” replied Mary. “1 opened it.” EASILY EXPLAINED. Alaud : “Alajor, is it true that once during the war one of tho enemy died to save your life?” Alajor Bluntly: “Yes.” Aland: “Hoiv noblo! How did it happen?” Major Bluntly: “I killed liini.” QUITE UNNECESSARY. I saw a manly arm about her waist, Lips to my love’s lips pressed. Her soft, smooth cheek, in tender confidence, Upon liis shoulder rest. His fingers to her silk-li'ko tresses strayed, Lifting the sheeny mass. I was not jealous, for we stood alone Before tlie glass. THOUGHTFUL PARENTS. (Aliieh lias been said of late years of the inappropriate names with which thoughtless parents too often burden tlieir children. A Portsmouth man has laid the matter to heart. “What have you named your l>a‘by?” asked a visitor. “Samuel Pro Tern Johnson.” “Whiit is the ‘Pro Tern’ for?”. “To show that the name is only temporary. We thought Sam might like to choose his own name when ho glowed up, so we put ‘Pro Tern’ in as a warning to till© public.” TRAINING EiOR HIS “RUN.” The temporary sojourner in the country stopped to look at _ a mail who, clad im orthodox training costume, was running round a field. “Training?” said the gentleman, inquiringly, to an olid roadman who had ceased his labors to watch tllie runner in the field. ‘Wes, sir.” “Football ?” “Y'es, sure, sir.” “Ho plays forward, I suppose, by -the build of him; eh?” “Oh mo, sir, ’c don’t play ’isscQf nowadays,” replied tlie old mail. “Then what is ho training for?” “For the match next Satterday, sir. ’E’s to bo rufferee.” INFORMED. A rummage sal© was going on at a certain country church cvn the outskirts of Liverpool, and a local magnate shed the light of his countenance upon the assemblage. Ihrmediiitely upon his arrival, lie ■was called upon to- assist with the work of propping up a stall which showed imminent signs of collapsing. He placed his shilling tall hat on an adjacent stall, and went to file rescue.

Soon it was accomplished, and the magnate returned to the stall where he had left liis hat.

It could not ho found, and he blandly inquired of the young lady in charge as to wliat had become o.

“Oh, dear me,” said that young person, “was that your hat? I have just sold it for fourpcncc 1”

WHY DO SCOTSAIEN SUCCEED “ “Johnny, dear I” said tho visitor. “Xmphum 1” said John AlacTlurk. as he turned round, while the family cat seized the opportunity of rescuing her tail from his grubhv fist. _ ' “Nvjw that you’re going to school,” continued the visitor, “J want to ask you a little question How .uniny marbles would you get if J gave you twenty to be divided between you and Andrew AJacDon■a hi ?' ’ Johnny thought fully rubbed .the point of his; nose Where the eat bad scratched him. “I dinna ken.” lie said. “Come, come,” said his older, “how’s that f” “Wed. iimva.m,” said, Johnny, “ye see it's a' acording. If yo gie me th em when we’re both here, we’d hae ten apiece. If Andrew was here mid I v asna, I’d only hae about five. .But if I were to get them .when Andrew wasna here, I dinna ken whether he'd hae oily at a’.” Then he turned to resume his farmer labors, but the cat had bolted.