Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2097, 25 January 1908, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

NO CAUSE FOR SURPRISE. Tipp—“there arc ten -thousand unmarried, women in that town.” Topp—“l am surprised.” Tipp—“you wouldn’t be if you had seen them.” PRECIPITATE. Baby Camel- —“Mama, can I havo a drink?”

Mama Camel —“Shut up I Why, it was only five weeks ago that I gave you one.”

HE (VAS HOPELESS

Mrs Bright—“Do you like those gowns that cling to one, dear?” Air Bright—“ Yes, but I prefer those gowns that you cling to darling.’’

REASON ENOUGH. “Jackio,” said the boy’s mother, your faco is fairly clean, but bow did you get such dirty hands?” “((Yashin’ mo face,” said tho boy. • AN EYE-OPEN JBI. A child of strict iiiiiiitili, whoso greatest joy had hitherto been tho weekly pray-er-mee-tin-g, was taken bv his nurse to the circus for tlio first time. | When he came home he exclaimed: “Oil, mamma, if' you once wont to the circus you’d never, never go to prayer-meeting again in -all your life.” HIS SISTER’S INGRATITUDE. There’s my- sister, had a bracelet on her birthday from her beau. “Twenty pearls,” lie said, “are limit —one-'for- every year, you know. I .said': “Better make -it thirty! (thought -slio’il like the extra pearls) . Crickey! but I caught it biter! There’s no gratitude in girls! HE WAS IMPATIENT. A little boy had been asking his mother for 'several days ior a drum, and she told him to pray for a drum, and he did thus: “Now I lay me down to sleep : I want a drum. Ip ray the Lord my soul to-kdep, I want a drum. And if I die before I wake, D —m it, I want a drum.” THE ETHICS OF LAPS. A girl recently sent this extraordinary request to the editor of her church paper: . . , • , “Do you think it is right for a gut to sit in a man’s lap, even if she :s enca^ed?” The editor answered her question thus; , “If it- were our girl and our lap. yes- if it were another fellows girl and our lap. yes; but -if it were our girl -and another fellow’s lap, never . never! NEVER 1’ ’ NOT A LUCKY START. Very few persons acquit themselves nobly in their maiden- speech. At a wedding feast -recently tlie bridegroom was called- upon, as -usual, to respond to the given -toast, in spite of the fact that he had previously pleaded to bo excused. . Blushing to the roots at Ins ha:?, he roso to his feet. He intended U imply that- lie was unprepared tor speechmaking, (but unfortunately placed his hand upon the bride s shoulder and looked down, at her as he out his opening (and concluding) words: , “This —er—thing has been forced upon’ mo.” BREVITY IS THE SOUL. In -a Tennessee court, an old colored woman was put on the witness stand to tell what she knew about the -annihilation of a hog by a railway locomotive. .. , Being sworn, she was asked if sne had seen the- train- kill the hog in question. “Yassah, I seed it. “Then,” said counsel, ‘tell the court in ias few words as possible just liow it occurred.” “Yo’ hon-ah,” responded tlie oldlady, “I shore kin tell yo’ in a few words. It jes’ tooted sn tuck iiim.

THE AVRONG KIND OF GLASS. He was a young and smart-looking Scotch clergyman, -and was to preach a “trial” sermon in a strange church. Fearing that his hair might be disarranged or that he might liavo a smudge on his face, he quietly and significantly said to the beadle, there being no mirror in the vestry, ‘ John, .could you get me a- glass?” John disappeared, and. after a few minutes returned with something under his coat, which., to tho astonishment of the divine, he produced in the form of a bottle with -a gill of whisky in it, saying, “Ye mauna let on -aboot it, ineenister, ior I got it as a. special favor; and I wad.na hae got it ava if I hadn-a told them it was for you.

“Papa, what is the color they o ill invisible blue?” “It’s the blue on a. policeman s uniform when there’s a row on hand.”

A lawyer asked a woman in the witness-box her -age, and she promptly replied:— . , , “Old enough to have sold junk foi you to drink when a babv, and I haven’t got my money yet.’

Elderly Husband (lately married to voung wife, to- his friend): ‘And wliafado you think of my wife?” Friend: “Lovely, 1 She will make a perfectly stunning widow.”

Airs Dunleiglt: “It is very singular that your mother -always happens to call on me when I am out.” Little 'Flossie Dunpletoii': “On, we can seo from oiir front window whenever you go away.”

Binks (who ordered a pancake.half -ail hour -previously): “Er—l—say, will that pancake be -long?” Waitress: “No, sir; it 11 be round.” . ■ Then he waited patiently another half-hour.

An Irish candidate for the police force was being: asked a few questions prior to being enrolled. “Now, wliat is the distuncebetween York and London?” “I din’t know exactly, sir, he replied : “but .if •that’s going to be my beat I don’t think Fill join the force.”

Artist: “Just look, darling. I was short of canvases, so I’ve stretched a clean pocket-handkerchief. See how splendidly it take the paint.” Prudent Little Wife: “Oh, John, dear, liow extravagant of you! It’ll never como out.” In lier very early youth Mrs Smith had been a pretty child. Her friends did not believe this was possible, and even she hail forgotten all about - t till one day she lineirtlicd a painting of herself at that perioil from among some old lumber. “There, Kitty,” said Mrs Smith, proudly exhibiting the picture to the servant maid, “that is a portrait of me. painted when I was a child.”

Kitty gazed open-mouthed at t|ie production. “Lpr’. mum,” she said, after some moments, "whot a pity it is wo have to grow up, ain’t it?”