Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2151, 28 March 1908, Page 2 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Convalescent (effusively): “How can I evor repay you, doctor P” Doctor (practically): “By cliequo, notes, 'or gold, and I hope soon, my dear sir.”

“You should novor tako anything that doesu’t agree with you,” tlio physical! told Sir Starks. “If I had always followed that rule, Maria,” ho remarked to bis wife, “wlioro would you boP” “Now,” said an Irishman, after a sorjotis accident to a fellow minor, “Wo’ll liavo to send somo man to break the nows to'Moriarty’s wife.” “Send Hnnnigan,” suggested one of 11 io gang, “lie’s just tlio man to break, the news gradual—look how ho stutters I”

“That man GYumlott has moro invitations to dinner than any other man in town." “How docs ho work It?”

“He tolls every liogloss with a, gro-wn-up daughter that she must have married very young.”

Gentleman: “But I’m afraid lie wouldn’t mako a good watch-dog.” Man (with bull terrier): “Not a good watch-dog! Why, lor’ bless your ’art, it was only last week that this wery animal held a burglar down by tbo throat and boat bis brains out with liis tail.”

A country newspaper recently contained the following advertisement:— “Can anyone favour me with tlio names of the balloonists wlio, when passing over tlio village of Reid last Tuesday evening dropped a bag of ballast down my chimney and completely ruined a fruit tart which 1 was cooking?”

Important Patron after describing tlio great advantages now enjoyed by children): “1 wish I were you children at school.” Pauso;then, ingratiatingly, “Why do I wish this?” Boy: “Please, sir, ’cos you’vo forgot all you over knoivcd.”

A son of Erin went, into a druggist’s shop and asked for tlireepenn’orth of laudanum.

“"What do you want threepenn’orth of laudanum for?” inquired the druggist, suspiciously. “For threepence,” replied the Hibernian, simply.

Mamma: “What is that book you are reading, Willie?” Little Willie: “It’s a book called ‘Child Training,’ that I borrowed from Mrs Smith.” Mamma: “Do you find it amusing?” Little: “Oh, no; I merely wanted to see if I had been brought up properly.”

B.v buying towelilig of different checks and keeping each kind for a distinct purpose it is possible to avoid tho trouble of marking the towels. For tlio bathroom basin and tub a large blue plaid may be chosen; for the pantry ,a small red check; for the kitchen, a large red plaid; and so on. Thus eacli lot of towels may be quickly assorted on ironing-day and put away in its proper place. “But, Bertha, how did you mako the acquaintance of your second husband ?” “It was quite romantic. I was walking out witlt my first, when my second came along in a motor car and knocked him down. That was tlio beginning of our friendship.” . “How do you account for tlio fact,” masked tlhe doctor, “as shown by actual investigation, that ithintwtwo out of every hundred criminals in itho country are left-handed?” “That’s easily accounted for,” said tho professor. “The other sixtyeight arc right-handed.” The Philosopher: “Tell mo what a person reads and I will toll you what lie is.” Tho Dyspeptic: “Not always. There’s my wife, for instance, sho’B always reading the cookery hook.” Tlio Philosopher confidently): “Well?” The Dyspeptic: “Bub she’s no cook!’

He was a kindly old clergyman, and ho hated to have to suspect the honesty of his tradesmen. But at last it was impossible to ignore the quality of tho milk, and lie approached the milkman very nervously. “I merely wish to remark,” said tho good man, in liis kindliest, mildest, manner, “that I require milk for dietary purposes, and not for use at christenings.”

A little girl was being put to bed one summer night, and after she bad said her prayers hep mother kissed her goodnight and said:— “Now go to sleep, clear. Don’t bo afraid for tho angels aro watching over you.” In a short time when the mother and father wore at tea, a small voice from upstairs was heard: — “Mamma!” “Yes, little one; what_is it?” “The angels aro buzzing around, and one’s bitten mo.”. TAKEN I3Y SURPRISE. It was at a christening ceremony, and the mild minister took tlie squalling infant in his arms. “The name?” lie murmured, dipping liis long slim fingers into tlio font. “Charles Louis Agustus Rembrant Fredrick Henry Napoleon' White,” answered the young father calnily. “Dear, dear!” murmured the minister, turning to the sexton. “A little more water, Mr Holy rood, if you please—a little more water!” ITOW TO WRITE A NOVEL. Take a statuesque blonde who looks like a cloak-model and talks like a princess, a statuesque man who looks like a shopwalker and talks like a matinee hero; add ono murder mystery, two missing wills, four runaway motor-cars. Mix with two deadly enemies, and when tho mixture eomes. to a boil rapidly stir in four pages'of soft talk, one half-page of tears, one half-page of silence, four pages bf hugs, five pages of clinging embraces, and forty-two pages of mad kisses, scattering them quickly over tlie brow, the ear, tho hair, the lips, and tho checks of the Gioroino. Close quickly, and serve while warm. . BY APPOINTMENT. In tlie dim-lit drawing-room on a keen winter’s night, sat sweet seventeen, smiling entrancingly at ardent twenty-one. Sweet twenty-one was uncommonly bewitching, and ardent twenty-one appallingly earnest. Gazing intently into the gold-red heart of a great log fire that blazed cheerfully in tbo grate, be poured forth liis passionate adress. “How divine!” murmured sweet seventeen. “How divine! My dcarst Hilary—” “Hilary!” he said. “You mean George, pet, do yon not?” The maiden flushed and bit her lip. “Ob, dear,” she said, “bow foolish of mo! I was thinking that this was Saturday night 1” N ATTJRAL IIISTOK '<l. “Papa,” said Harry, iniant phenomenon, aged nine, “will you gi'’u me my pocket money in advance? _ I want to' buy a book on motlis.’ “Certainly, my boy,” said the retired colonel. “Here’s a shilling ior yon. lam delighted that you should take such an interest in natural history.” ‘ , ~ That evening all tho old colonel’s best friends came to dinner. “Now is my opportunity, reflected the proud' parent, “to show these people what a clover boy my son is. I shall have him in at dessert-time!’ So Harry came in with the -ears and nine-apple, and in loud tones tlie gailent colonel remarked: “Well, Harry, did you got your book on moths?” “Yosf papa,” answered bis son, . “And what is it called?” pursued ; tlio.deh/ghted father. , L—--