Wit and Humour

Gisborne Times, 17 October 1908, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour

Anxious Mother : “Nellie, dEar, do yo uthink that young Huggins, ' who has been calling on yoir twice a week for some time, is matrimonially inclined?” • ' ' : r

Pretty Dlaughter: “Really I don’t know What to think,. mamma, dear. He has such -a"-knack of keeping one in the dark.” . .> '

Alr.Higaii (a new warder), to prisoner causing a disturbance:- “Hi, you in there., stop that row, or FI! syaenk to the Giiiv’nor and have ye chucked out into the. street!”

“How >aro you getting- on with your garden, AA’eedleehick ? Did your seeds come up?” “Oh, yes: they all caiiieh up ij.n about two days. AJ.y neighbors, keep Ileus.”

An Edinburgh clergyman says: “Every 'family should liaveii dog. It iis .like a perpetual baby ; it betrays no secrets, never sulks,, asks no troublesome- questions, never gets into debt,’.never copies down late to breakfast, and is always ready for a bit of fun.” THE LIGHT THAT FAILED. . Ah, tlie ’audience .held their breath anil simply, filir-r-r-.rilled _as Jack Braveboy, tlio hero, killed the last ol tho-lndiiiius. He staggered about; he almost fainted with loss of blood. Then lie gazed la.bout- him, ami suddenly his voice rang, out-with hope. “Seel” be cried. “The dawn breaks bright upon yon topmost heights!” . Still darkness reigned. “The dawn ! .The dawn !” he screamed, raging about the shige. “It breaks! The^dawji A head popped over tlie. inoun.laiuit.op. . . . . • ' “’Old ’aid, guvnor!” said the beaid. “Don’t be in such a b.lcwmin’ ’-urfy ! iSomeone’s bin an’ ,turned tlie gas orf!” : ' ' * . _ ; ; TIRED OF HIM: At a” recent trial in Scotland a certain lady got into the witness-box to be examined, when .the following con--a ersatibn took place between her and ithe opposing ‘ Counsel: “How old are you?” . Aliss Jiiiuc: “Oh, wcel, sir, I am an unmarried woman, and dinna think v it right to answer that question-”' ’ --. ' - /The Judge: -“Oh, yes, answer the •gentleman.,- How ‘ril'd .are you?” - Miss Jane: “AA r eel-a-\veel, d am fifty.” - . Counsels “Are you not more/?” Aliss Jane: “AA’eel, lam sixty.” The inquisitive Idwyer still further asked if she had any hopes of getting inarried, to whfelt Miss Jane replied : “AYcel, sir, y l winna tell a lee; 1 hinna lost hope yet” ;. scornfully adding. ribut 1 widna marry you, for 1 am sick and tired o’ your palaver already.” /

PUT INTO PRACTICE. Poor Pattison went into the chenrist’s chop for some- planter for liis head. .“I’ve -always, tried to bi ing up nay children to think before they speak,” he said, with a sigh; “bait I am convinced it is a wrong prin“Surely not, - sir,” 'answered the chemist, 'sympathetically. . “Ye=. sir.” Pattison replied. “Ire told my children always t 0 couut ten before? thev say anything. Thi§ lnornijicr I wefft out for a walk with my eldest hov/ AA’e were walking.' near some jiartiiMy-built houses, when Tom called out.. f Oh ! father—”.;/ “ ‘Now, ■ steady, my boy,’ I said', seeing lie was excited ; ‘count teri;’ ” “Did lie cbev you?” “A T es, worse, luck, be. did ; but before lie had got to .five the brick he had seen falling hit me on the head: Thank you. _How much?” ONLY ONE. An cccent:ric-looking old man was sitting in’ an. arm-eliair before the (ire in the smoke-room of one of the leading ,* coniiuercial 'hotels. Tlis. trousers were somewhat, drawn uj) one leg. which was crossed over ithe other, exjaosing to view ; -a brilliant red. white. «nd bTue-striiiecl:stocking; and noticing some -of the conipany looking at Ait 'and smiling, he’ slid, with ajiparently much satisfaction “Nice .pattern that, isn’t at, ge7itlemen ? I’ll bet there is not another like it in the room.” . Fl’.ll bet-cigars round that there is,” replied a youthful commercial. “Done,” cried the old mhn. “AYhere, is it?”* - . - /, “Oil your other foot! responded the bettor, wiith a triumpliaiit 1 nigh, which Was generally joined in, “Tliat’s just where you make a mistake,” said the old man. with a knowing wink. “I generally reckon on .finding one flat in a company, anil so come 'nrop ired.” He the pulled up the other deg ot his trousers, aiul, to the amusement. of all buLtiie loser, exposed ia black' stocking! A , avhat she heard. The mother’** suspicions were arous. gel, and that night, when tlie'-yomig man left the house anil 'the daughter came upstairs, she •interviewed her. “Elizabeth,” she' said, “sternly, “didn’t I hear Air Sinipley kissing you iii the parlor as I came along.the hall?” •-• . ... ’

“No, luannna, you didn’t.” responded the daughter, emphatically. “Well, didn’t.tie try to kiss you?” persisted the (mother. “Yes, mamma,-”' demurely. The mother spoke triumphantly. “I knew 'it!” she. said. “Did you permit him ?” -• “No, mamma, I . did, not. I told him vou liad. always taught me that. I should not permit any-young man to kiss me.” \ . _ . “That, was right, that was right, my dear,” said the mother, encoiV: raginglv. “And what did he tay to that?”' ’ ./' ' • '

The girl blushed, but was'und aunt-, ed.t “He asked lrie if you hadvever told me I was not to kiss a young man.”; The mother began to fool that posbiblv she IhaiJ. omitted a vital link in. her- inrtriietions. ' .. “What- (lid . you tell* him?” she asked." : ... •

“I"-said 1 didn’t remember it, if you had.” / • .'/ : , The girl stopped, and-'the mothei broke out:— ’ ./ go bn, go on.’’- . ' “I think (tihat’fs what vou heard• mother,” and .the daughter waited fpv the atgriu-tu hbrst. "

CALLS FOR AIR HENRY. "

At a political meeting tiny Rpea- , leers .and audience were very much disturbed-; hy a -man who constantly, call led' out, /'Air Henry, Henry, Henry ! 1 call for Air Henry!” After several interruptions of .this kaud 'at each speech, a young jhan ascended the platform, and was soon airing liis eloquence -in magniloquent sty’.e, striking out ■ power fully in his gestures, when the old cry was heard for Air Henry. Putting his hand to his mouth like a speaking-trumpet, the'man was bawling at 'the ton of bis voice, “Air Henry, Henry, Henry, Henry! I call for Air Henry.!.” j ’The chairman now rose and remarked that it would oblige the audience if tlie goritleiiwvn would refrain from iiny .further calling for Air Henry, a.s lhat gentleman was then speaking. “Is that Air Henry?” eaid tlie disturber. of Urn meeting. “Thunder! that can’t he Air Henry! AYliy, that’s the little chap that -told ine .to holler.”'

SMART AYORdv. The dear old veteran paused in his reminiscences, und his ardien-ce began, to think he had left off. Vain liopo! / “1 rbcol’ect,” he contiuiucd', dreamfly, “Ihat a't-1 he Bat-tHc of Alma I had a very exciting time.' Bullets were pelting upon us like rain," men fell right' and left, oaronou* roared like thunder itself, and, worst of nil.-the enemy had managed to get within -a hundred yards of our position. I wa;,'mad with excitement, and wasn’t till liking of any tilling except just fighting (for all 1 was worth. All of a sudden I turned, and found that aiv regiment had/alltered it s position, and I was cut off —'left to the mercy of the enemy, sir.”

The veteran paused again—he always does at the most exciting part : lie finds it amusing. -' / “AA’eW, what did you do ?” uvked an impatient listener. •' “Do.” sard the del fellow, sleepily. “AA’ell, I reckon I did a mile in three minutes.” -

ON TH£ DEAD LEVEL, | - If I wore a cannibal bad and bold And king of a coralline coast of gold, 1 would have no use for the corn or wheat. ‘ ' / . Nor the pig nor ihe cow would I up

and cat. - But if 1 were a cannibal bold and bad > 1 would live on civilised man, egad! If I were a cannibal king acute I would 'pluck me an arrow and up and shoot ~ (If ever I ketchcd him in a bog) That biped bully jhe street-car -hog, And up with his heels and into the pot . , ' I would bo l his. ])oi‘,v- and serve lain him hot.. If I were a cannibal bland chief [ would give ni.v appetite relief . On the -shivering_ shanks and the shtu.dering shins Of these who are - guilty of cardinal sins. . - I would rat. for one. having done io death, . . That condemned galoot w t)i the gar? lie breath. - - If»] were a cannibal tried and* true 'Tisas like as hot that I’d feast on you ! And you needn’t get wratby and call v - • me fool? . . . - Till you see my pout—-keep cool, keep cook I would eat myself (here the- metre • halts!) ; - . For there’s none of us- quite devoid of faults.- - IIOBERTFS LOVE.