The Ladies’ Magazine.

Gisborne Times, 17 October 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

The Ladies’ Magazine.

WHY I WOULD NOT MARRY MY HUSBAND AGAIN.

AS TOLD BY A WIPE, AND WHITTEN HERE FOR THE' CONS OXER ATI ON OF A FEW HUSBANDS.

(“Ladies’ Home Journal.”) We were a company of six women, intimate friends, and the conversation turned on rather personal questions—as the conversations where women only are present are unfortunately apt to turn—when one woman as'ked the company: “Would you, .if you were a young woman and knew as much as you do now, marry your husband again?” iVhat was said by others is not for' me, of course, to repeat; but I could not help realising that had the husbands of those women been present they would have learned a thing or two that night- have done them good. 1 ~ I confess I do not wholly approve of women discussing such questions, because they ’are futile, and there is no sense in futile 'questions. But I took. this particular question home with .me: I thiught much about it, and concluded that I would write out, principally for the benefit of husbands, some" of the reasons—-which 1 did not express in the talk-why I would not marry my husband again, in the hope that I might be the means of making a husband, here and there, do a little thinking and set himself right before the partner of his life—an attnudri which many a. wife sadly craves for and needs. - . I do not exactly know what is the chief reason wliy I would hot marry my husband again, but‘suppose that, if the exact truth were .told, it would be that I do not love him enough. This seems a strange statement, since wc have lived “together thirty years in comparative happiness and expect to go down the shady side of life hand in hand, like John Anclerson, My Jo, and his -faithful spouse. But I realize that so much of our “comparative happiness” was won by my suffering in silence, my meekness under injustice, my bearing patiently with slights and - disagreeable habits and selfish* ness, that, really, I think 1 should not deliberately choose I'o do it over . again. My love for my husband is such, a different thing from what- it might be — from what I believed it would be. To be sure, I am fond of him, loyal to him, - jealous of his interests, careful of Ills honor. I should miss him dreadfully if he', were gone, for wc always miss our housemates and their coming and going more than we dreani possible, and as we grow older their loss is peculiarly .ppignant. But I often- grieve for the ideal of married love which, as a girl, I used to cherish.

I married a man who was brought up differently from myself.- That was a mistake—l can see it now. There —was actually no similarity, of tastes. He was never taught anything about home or the domestic" life. This I believe to be a mere matter of teaching. Many mothers unquestionably accept the idea that- “boyswill be boys,-” ancTallow them to be.rude, disorderly, harum-scarum, - and selfish "and inconsiderate’to'the girls and women of the family. My husband’s mother was -a slave to her boys-- allowing them .to throw their clothes on the floor for her to pick up and put away, to sit while she was standing, *to see her carry burdens and open doors with her arms full. She was a fine ...housekeeper, and her mind was engrossed- - with domestic subjects, fehe did not talk to her boys.- While she was. a thoroughly good women she made one great -mista’ke: that of allowing her sons to find their companionships away irom home. - I believe that the son. I married loved her and I believes that lie loves me. But I kliow he never told his mother so, he never stroked her hair nor kissed her nor hung around close to her chair listening to her voice and watching her work. This must have-been' her fault. - ' ' *■ •* ' -

1 -In tlic'earjy. years of our married ' "life- wo were very ypor. We were in debt, and I was striving .in every way to make my, housekeeping thrifty .and to save inouiy to pay.that debt. I believed that he was doing the same. But he was not. One day 1 found out that I was doing the saving, he the spending—not- in any large Avay',. but simply in the old boyish freedom in wjiich he was allowed to grow tip. The main part of our saving came - out of my flesh and blood: it came by my doing fny own work and making my own and my. children’s clothes, by my patching and darning and saving. He was not profligate: he was careful - about money—at least, lie was careful with me. And 1.. am not sure but - ' . this is ray principal reason for thinking I-would not marry him again. No-, ’ iiiot for all the woi4ds would> I/live.; . > through the doling out of dimes and \ l quarters, the wrangling- over every new dres’s, every winter coat,- ‘‘every } hat', and pair of shoes and gloves I ---'wore. \ ,My. husband would be- surprised to hear me say all: this.- He does not . know that he did it.. His attitude. ;; about money was one which many ' : men assume/ ; -!t way second .nature id

him to frown and- remonstrate over the outgoing of . every penny. This habit fostered a sneaking spirit in me I would, in desperation, make bills, hoping I might save in-some way to pay - them. His air, when lie would come homo irritated over some bill which had been presented, is something I like to forget. I have actually hated him at such times. .1 realise now that much of my feeling in this matter was exaggerated sentiment, morbid sensitiveness,- arid lack of business understanding. I should never suffer this ;way again. But it- was alt so unlovely, so unnecessary. He never took the trouble to estimate the actual cost of living, or of buying suitable clothing lor. . -iieopie in our station. of life. He just left ft- to me to'solve the puzzle as' best I could. Did he ever suspect that he ran a frightful risk in> leaving a very young and unexperienced. woman to hear' the double buidon of a husband’s neglect ami the makeshift existence that must ensue upon insufficient means ? ’Written down, this sounds avov.wF than it is; but • it^is bad enough to make any woman wonder whether, even for love, she would undertake it again.

Another reason why I would not marry my husband again is that he is less polite to me than to any- other woman of . his acquaintance, He has a special tone of voice which he uses, for me. There is a dry, impatient, sarcastic cadence, “’Well, well, hurry up!” which I have heard hundreds, of husbands', use when speaking to their wives. There is a telephone trine which a man employs when-speaking over the.wire to his wife that- is especially fraught with ■ this inexpressible quality. There is a.finality, a patent suggestion that if isn’t necessary to contiriuo the subject—which conveys a bitter snub to the person who has introduced the conversation. I actually pity myself when I remember how I used' to feel when lie made such an answer to some remark of mine, at the same tme-taking, up a newspaper and relapsing into silence. I hold a deep' grudge against ,men for their general attitude towards their wives in this respect. They are dry and unstioiable for days at a time, and then suddenly become cordial and expect their wives to meet- them in every change of their moods. - Men seem to-be dreadfully afraid of being .sentmental, especially alter they "are married.‘ This* too,' is a r sad mistake that works its way into a woman’s soul and makes her wonder if she would do it over again. Sentimental people are strangely happy, and no greater blessing can rest upon a union than a strong sentimental attachment. It is eo much better than a mere physical passion without the congenialities of mutual sentiment.- Besides, people commonly*:confuse the term sentimental and romantic. Married life is very far from'being romantic, but is nothing to hinder any married life from- being sweetly sentimental, as it-. should be. - My- husband’s lack of sentiment regarding married life, his matter-of-fact notion of the married, state, liis willingness That I should .see him -at his worst, his indiffei-ence in; regard to the possibility of my love for him suffering a decline through liis constant transgression of the little -unwritten rules of delicacy and true refinement; have been' sore trials to me, and I should not deliberately invite them again. People have, very different ideas of intimacy. J was brought up to aviod close intimacies.' such as many -women indulge in with each other. There was no house auto which I went without ringing the bell; no girl with whom I exchanged clothes or jewellery ; I wa& taught to be polite to my sisters and modest before them. The men of our family . wore invariably polite, kind arid modest before the women. Wo were not unduly 'nice; ■we were not over-refined; we were not even -in 'any. sense conventional, -.but we had a-natural faculty for tracing fine lines. In choosing a life partener again I’should look for a riian who could distinguish tl/ese fine lines,...

(Durjng our courtship days I never 'a room but my husband-to-be arose, 'offered me a chair, and waited until'! was seated before he resumed his seat. It.is a delicate courtesy that a woman appreciates to the full. ;. Does lie do so -how? - Ho never thinks} dl it. He never did it once after wo were married. He has- never taught our children to do it. Why before marriage and not- afterwards? I ask. Of . course,"T am not such am idiot that I expect my husband to be the careful gallant that my lover Avas. I. do not expect . that/my husband Avill pop out of- hie chair like a. ■ when he is comfortably reading his evening paper whenever ' I come into the room. I jj every sane woman does, that married life settles into a deep love that renders unnecessary these outward marks of respect. But, all the same, I -ask should'they altogether? Why- can’t, a- husband,, once while, show a mafic of respect f to his wife? Must all the 'little courtesies of life - cease when- the “prize”* is .won ? “ Are they only a part' of 'the . chase and not of. the capture? He does it for other women ; : vyHy. j-iot- tojL* Uie?' I. ask-—o ccasional|y , 1

of course ; not always. But why .not oncri a year, say? Why should he absolutely f-orgeV that 1 am a woman just as well now as before he won me? Does marriage wipe out every courtesy of the lover? Let husbands ask themselves these questions. I would not marry my husband again because of his inordinate use of tobacco. Now I do not think I am a “fuss.” I confess I do not -the fumes of tobacco. . As a matter ol fact I tlfink few women do; it is against tlieir very nature. Their acquiescence -to their husband’s Jjjmes of smoke is, to me, always, to a greater or less degree, a concession, '.and '.it is a concession that I think women should make. If men are fond of tobacco I say let them smoke, for it is about as sure as anything is sure in this world, that if a man can t smoke in his house he will' go whole he can. I am perfectly willing that my husband should smriko., hut in some degree of moderation. Instead of that lie smokes inordinately; it- is cigar after cigar, pipe after pipe, until the. room is sri charged with smoke that I simply cannot breathe. It is not the smoking I object to so much, I think, as the absolute lack of consideration for me on his part; his unwillingness to curb a growing selfish' habit in the slightest degree. His lips and Iris moustache invariably reek with the fumes of tobacco,- and lie knows that I kiss him mechanically. Why do I kiss him at’ all? I know no better answer- _ to this than that lie is all I have. Even with his lacks and with a. realisation of all-his sins against me, lam glad, suppose, that lie kisses fnc at all. It is quite in a perfunctory, way, to be sure; still they are kisses. So piany couples of. our- age never kiss each other. Then, I was brought up on love and kisses. To kiss at meeting and parting seems friendly and natural. All my kinsmen kiss me when they meet me as naturally us they shake bauds, and a .benediction goes with every kiss.. But my husband would not moderate liis tobacco habit if I should stop kissing him. And lie does, not in the least care ; it does "not humiliate him to know that Tam often made faint with nausea of the fumes of his smoko. Scores of,times I have begged him. to moderate the habit. I havo tried to stimulate his pride, to shame his manhood, to show him that he is becoming a slave to the habit, and could not let go of it. I have pleaded with him for his daughter’s sake; it makes her ill sometimes. But it is all in vain; so I endure it.

It is not my nature to cherish bitterness or to keep up a v daily hostility with people I have to live Avith. I could never “stop speaking” or go on for years, or even for days on unfriendly terms with .anybody I am closely associated Avitli. I could never dAvell in a' house Avhere there. Avas a perpetual air of coldness or disapproval. I have knoAvn familes who ha\-o lived for years in the attitude of being fairly ready to fly at each other’s throat, and I haA r e see dozens of husbands and wh r es avlio are perpetually cool and “crusty” toAVards. each other. I am deeply hurt, humiliated, grieved, Avhen I stop to think about this inordinate tobacco habit, but for the most part I put it out of my mind, ae women learn to do.

' The. old, old, story of man’s . lack of apjireeiation-. is too hackneyed to dAvell upon, T supposed Yet it forms a part of- my,. determination 1 would not marry my husband Worn an’s huh ger v for a ppreciation is largely a part of her vanity, and some 'of my sisters expect a constant, stream <3l compliments on their looks, their housekeepiifg, their cooking. I am not such a fool as -to demand this sort of appreciation. But a nice little'compliment, now and then is so easily given and . would reap- such rich regards in. domestic happiness, that I Avonder men continue so dull of apprehension. Men complain- of /woman’s lack of business understanding; is it more reprehensible than mail’s ignorance of lioiise.AVofk ond cooking andkeeping £n order the household para--phern-alia-? Does not a man fail to at-, tai a real intelligence so long as lie tain a real intelligence so long as he trade involving courage; and patience and skill as avcll os physical force, and than, lyhen he regards it as an easy job lie is merely showing his ignorance? My husband has never grown out of the idea that- home just eyolves*’itself— He sees the room look restful and finds a good meal on .t-lie' table, and ho doesn’t hesitate to say quite plainly that lie has to go out. to work while:! just“llc around homo/' Indeed, lie has said it more than once. He comes home very tired, and finds mo very tired, often fairly at the breaking point/ But it is utterly iinpossiblo, for him-.to realiso-that I. am tired, or Hi at I should be tired. No—iiot for -any earthly consideration would I again deliberately encounter this attitude. I love Avork and qb'i more than willing to do my shayo ijf it, but to have my work constantly Be-, preciated . and paid ' for “board an(d clothes,” with; no words of apprecia-tion-and no money I can call my owp, is a situation I should, not seek again, I believe that this buck of upprfcoii*- f

lion 'ontmiiri’s part is largely responsible for woman’s shirking of domestic work. It is one reason why such work scents ’degrading. 'I lie woman feels herself a drudge;’, she knows that kitchen work hurts her “looks;” she sees that a- man* will only take lier • Service as a matter of course, not realising that shri is clever, and- she gives it- up—often going* out to earn “money of her own” to pay a miserable servant and make home a mere stopping-place. To be sure, shri -oughtn’t to do this—she should love work for work’s sake ; but it takes a great 'mind to do this, and many women are not gifted that way. I would not again start to live a lifetime, with" a man who could riot occasionally say a kind word or pay me a real compliment on my appearance. I aril not vain, but the woma i never, lived who-would not- be made happy by hearing her h 'riband say, “My wife was the pretUsst wen-ari there to-night,” or, “I h-ve ,\<riv.v hair done that Nay,” or “How pretty you look in that gown 1” These stem -such easy things to sav, jot liov few men say them! This, 1 think, L a fault of early training—it is? not easy to say - nice -things unless you learned to do it very early. Sometimes, in fact—-once in* five years, maybe —my husband reailly essays a compliment, but he invariably fails and makes it Evident _tliat he doesn’t know how. “Where did you get that dress ” he will ask when ho sees me ready to go to some place with my horrid old gown, which he ought t<j be ashamed to .see me wear, brightened by a flower or a bit of lace. This throws .me .into a rage and brings tears to my eyes, effectively spoiling my looks for the evening and'making all the bitterness of my soul surge up between qs again. .Why couldn’t lie have- sense enough to say : “Dear, I wish you had a new gown, but you do look awfully sweet arid pretty, in that one, aS ’you always do in everything”? Oh, men are such fools! y , ?

A woman .is a woman, whether she lives in tliOv- lowliest hut or in the most magnificent mansion, arid her nature craves a kindly word of appreciation about her looks. It doesn’t hurt her to. bo told. that she looks well in a particular blouse or that her new hat is becoming to her. A man seems not t the value that a- woman places on such a word from him. But how many husbands ever give voice to such a word? It scorns impossible for the average husband,' to pay a compliment to his wife. Ask him if he doesn’t think a new dress is becoming, and he will probably/say: “I do: I think it is very pretty.” “Why didn’t you tell me so, dear?” you ask him. “Tell you?” he asks in surprise. “Why, I thought several, times during dinner what a pretty dress yon had on.”

“But lioav am I to kuoAV that you thought so unless you tell me?” Then lie is silent, and, to himself, he 'doubtless wonders - “what in the world does she. want me to toll her for?”

Oh, if men only better, understood this little need,of the feminine nature, this hunger in the. soul of a wife for the approval of her husband, how’ much happier would be her life. Hoav much more cheerfully Avoukl she work! Hoav much better repaid would her service seem! Just a Avord o| apservice seem- Just -a word of appreciation ! Hoav little it is, and yet lioaa' hard, how hard for a husband to give! T ‘ . • ...

Do not imagine that? I am going to close tin’s dissertation Avithout suggesting* the iriost jirohable reason, why I.* would not marry my' husband again : that, 'quite likely, he AA'Oiildn’t ask me. No doubt he could summon up as many reasons as I have' set forth. He -would tell you tlffic I fastidious, sharp-tongued arid full of ideals impossible to our station in life, and he would set about choosing a girl rriore like him : a matter-of-fact giri, Avith no taste lor fine lines: a

girl who AA’oidd like plated spoons andtapestry Brussels, and avllo avouM he proud of 'her man because ho lcneAV more thaji she did—-a better woman than X, perhaps. ‘ / This is not an'expose of an unhappy married life. I have-not -been in any sense",an uh'appy woman, neither has life jsoured me, nor, .made me, think I would he an old maid if I had it to do over again—never! I Avoiild not miss motherhood to escape .the*torments of Purgatory—and this word motherhood makes the pause and wonder if the preceding remarks should ever have been set doAvn. When a man is the father of your child— Have I not overstepped a- “fine line” ? However, - Ave should not Shrink from truth if by speaking it .we may arrest the attention of one soul whicli-needs the hint or may profit by the suggestion. The domestic .crisis brought oil by “the servant problem” lias made men .think along lines hithefrto ignored. They have missed that subtle quality of home that they -used tp ' take so inu-ch as U matter of course;'- they -'liaro /Begun to w-onder’why women have revolted. Perhaps my._ reasons' ivliy I Avotild not marry my husband again may. embody some* answer .t<> these questions. The wife has been seeking compensa-'•fcio-n for the many lucks in tho conjugal fife.' She has sought them in society, in dress; in- women’s, clubs, in idlenes ; and dissipation, in-.books and in business, and men 'have situpidi:]v her to do it. Whenever-1 1 ,/-' f \ - - - • • . ' V . ..• -

see a young husband starting out in the stupid,.'old way of his forefathers I stand fairly aghast with Arouder that life aridihist'ory have not bTougbt him some hint of the easy cure for all domestic A Avoman in loro is the most, tractable creature in the world. Why, then, can 'the man not keep her in love ? That ho dries .nrit even try to do so is the common history of wedded life* Perhaps meu will ho quick to ask Avhy avoiiic.ii do not keep their husbands in love? I can only answer for the individual case.. I am very siire that my husband was first to speak the cross, impatient Avord: to exhibit carelessness of the little niceties and considerations necessary to happiness in housemates. I am sure that-he deliberately showed me the worst side of his nature ivith utter tactlessness and unconcern as to how it might, affect, my love. J have ignored, and condoned, and made allowance, - " and we have lived, and will continue to do so, in comparative happiness, though, given my present -knoAvledge of his habits and . character,, I would not marry him again.