Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2360, 28 November 1908, Page 9 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

“Sherlock Holmes” reached its 385th. performance at tho Antoine Theatre, Paris, rc-'jntly.

“Biliks is weak financially, isn’t he?”

“He hasn’t much money, but he gives employment to a great many men.” 1 ‘Who arc they?” “Other people’s bill collectors.”

“What you ignorantly term the snail’s horns, Bridget, are really its eyes.” Bridget: “Glory he! Phwat an illigant arrangement fur Inkin’ through a keyhole !”

A steamer was stopped in tlie mouth of a liver owing to a fog. ,An old lady inquired of the captain tho cause of tlie delay. “Can’t Sec up tlie ■river,” replied the .captain. “But I can see the stars overhead,” continued the old lady. "‘Yes,” said the captain gruffly, “hut until the boilers bust we ain’t a-going that wav.”

BRUCE’S MuTHER. The Inspector was examining Standard 1., and all the class had been specially told beforehand hv their master, “Don’t answer unless you are almost certain your answer is correct.” History was the subject. “Now, tell me,” said the Inspector, “who was the mother of our great Scottish hero, Robert Bruce?” He pointed to the top boy; then round tlie class. There was no answer. Then at last the heart of the teacher of that class leapt with joy. The boy who was standing at the very foot had held up his hand. “Well, my boy,” said the Inspector, encouragingly, “who was she?” “Please, sir, Mrs. Bruce.”

OUT FOR A RIDE. In Chicago, an Irishman, walking along the street, wished to cross to the other side. A long funeral was passing;" agd, being superstitious, lie did not like to go through tlie funeral. He waited fifteen minutes. The funeral was still passing.- He began to get anxious. He went up to a policeman and said : “Officer this is a mighty foine funeral. Will you tell me whose funeral it is?” The officer said “1 can’t do it, ask tlie man over there.” He went as directed, and said “Excuse me, mister, hut will you tell me whose funeral this is?” “I can't'do it,” again came the reply. He asked one or two others, with the same result. He then remarked, “It’s funny I can't find out whose funeral this is. Anyway it’s a mighty foine one.” Just then the line of carriages stopped moving. ’There was a carriage just in front of him wit’ll the window down. He leoktd in, and seeing a gentleman of his own nationality sitting in the carrige. he said to himself. “Now's mv chance. '

So, going up to the man,' he addressed him. “My friend,, this is a mighty foine funeral. 1 never saw one so long as this before. Whose funeral is it?” “Begorra, L don’t know,” was the reply. ‘‘l am just in it for the fide!”

CUT BOTH WAYS. The managers of a school in a little village in the Far West of America were examining an -applicant who desired the position of head master. The young man had satisfied them of Iris knowledge of geography, arithmetic, and grainmer. At tin’s point tlie Chairman of the managers drew a magazine from his pocket, peered into it intently, and remarked:— “Well young feller, now we’ll sec whether you’re up iu the English language. What’s the meaning ol ill-coinprc-hensubble ? ” •■Jiicompreheiisubble?” faltered the applicant. “Why, incomprehensubble means the .proximity of the corollary to the molecular ingenuity.” “M’yes! An’ what does disintegrate mean ?” ‘•Disintegrate means the general consanguinity of the hyperbole when affiliated with the zodiac.” “Jest so,” commented the’*-chair-man. “Now what is the meaning,-o’ sublimiiiation ?” v “Suhliininatum is when the overplus goes into the perihelion with the decussation of the instability ami produces transfixitv of tlie protoplasms.” *• You’ll do.” announced the chairman. The candidate overjoyed, shook hands all round, and then left to make his arrangements. “Flirty smart feller, that.” observed one member of the board. “Yes,” said the chairman. “Good joke on him, though, me a-makin’ ■him think 1 knew all them big words, wasn’t- it?” And down the road, about half a mile, tho candidate was chuckling to himself:— “Good joke on them. Blest- if I don’t believe they think I know what all them big words meant.”

;TOMMY KNEW. It was at a children’s party in West Kensington. The youngsters had just done more than justice to the luxur/flus spread provided by their hostess, and gardes were now the order of the evening. . “Now, children/’ said she, wo will play the Zoo, and each of you must represent a different animal.” Then, going to a little gin, she asked:— “Now Carrie, what are you going to he?” “I’ll be an. elephant.” “And you, Reggie, what are you going to he?” “1. m going to be a lion.’’ “And what are you going to be, Hilda?” ••'l’m going to be a tiger.” Then, crossing to the other side of the room, the hostess, noticing a youngster sitting all alone, asked:— “And what ace you going to be, Tommy?” “R’please,” was the halting reply, “p’please, I—l’m going—to bo sick.”

GATHERED HOI IN. “Ton look very much excited, dear.” lie said, when she entered the parlour where he was waiting for her. “Well, I should thinkll ought to look excited,” she answered ; “I just had an awful argument with raa.” And she began to weep hysterically. “Why, what is the matter, my darling?” he inquired, a s he slid an arm around her; “what was the argument?” “Oh! how can I tell you? She said you were only trifling with me, and that you would never pop the question ; and I told her she did you a great injustice, for I believed you would pop the question to-night. She said you wouldn’t and I said you would, and ere had it hot and heavy. Dear George, you will not let ma triumph over me, will you?” “W-why, certainly not,” answered George. “I knew it, my darling,” the dear girl exclaimed; '■•'come, let us go to ma and tell her how much mistaken she- was.” And they did, and ma didn’t seem to be very much broken down over the affair after all.