Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2394, 8 January 1909, Page 12 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

“ Why is the Hon. Thomas llott so pessimistic of late?” “He has a bone felon on his index finger, and it is very painful for him to point with pride.” “Why won’t you go down Millstreet?” “Well, you see, on one side of it lives my tailor, and on the other my shoemaker, while a canal runs through the middle.” Crawford: “Do you ever trv tery on your wife?” Crabshav:“Yes, and it always ivories except when she wants a new gown and I tell her she looks charming in her old one.” Alpine Hotel Manager (to the man who has the telescope for hire): “The Kaiser is coming here to-morrow. Be careful to say nothing to him about the majesty of the mountains.” Woman (to her neighbor): “What makes you cry so bitterly, hiv Gf'ar friend?” Neighbor: “L always weep when I hear music. My late husband used to blow the whistle at th<- f ao tory.” “This is a pretty big piece of cake for a boy of your size,” said papa at tea to Jimmy. “It looks big,” sa id Jimmy, “but really isn’t. It’s got lots of porouses in it.” Husband: “Our little boy Ls sick doctor, so please come at once.” Physician: “I can’t get over much under an hour.” Husband: “Oh, do, doctor. You .see, my wife has a book on 'What to Do Before the Doctor Comes,’ and I’m so afraid she’ll do it before you get there!” A certain judge, while passing through the scene of an election riot, had a large stone thrown at his head, but as he happened to be in a steeping posture at’ the time it passed over him. “You see,” said he, addressing his friends afterwards, “that- had I been an upright judge I might have been killed.” Flossie Footlight: “Part- of the Japanese wedding ceremony consists in the burning of the discarded toys of the bride.” Winnie Wings: “Horrors! You don’t mean cremating her cast-off lovers, do you?” Teache'r: “Yes, children, when the war broke out, all the able-bodied men who could leave their families enlisted in the army. Now, can any of you tell me what motives took them to the front?” Bright Boy (triumpbantly): “Locomotives.” “From the grammatical standpoint,” said the fair maid with the lofty forehead, “which do you consider correct : 'I had rather go home,’ or "I would rather go home?” “Neither,” promptly answered the young nj.au. “I’d much rather stay here.” THE RIVALS. Cutis, the screaming comedian, and Smutts. the roaring humorist, chanced ‘to hit upon the same town for their shows one night. Consequently, when Smutts, with his company, arrived in Pudford, and came upon a hoarding on which was announced the fact that Cutis would be playing the same night at 'the rival theatre, he stared in consternation. Smutts read the announcement from top to bottom, and then turned to an unobtrusive man near by. “Have you seen this show?” asked Smutts. “Rather,” said the young man. “How’s this fellow Cutis in it?” “Simply Al,” answered the individual. “He’s screaming,” “Is lie-as good as Smutts?” ventured Smutts. “Licks him into fits,” said the young man. Smutts looked at him very sternly, and then, in the hollow tone of a tragedian, he said:— “I am Smutts!” “I ’know you are,” said the young man, cheerfully. “I am Cults!” AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE. . A well-known politician lias invented a new system of calling sleepy guests that works like a charm. Its very simplicity is its supreme attraction. Ihe other night a newspaper man went to his house in London, and, wishing to be called at an early hour, received a promise from his host that he should be out of bed at the time he named. Satisfied that everything would be serene, the scribe retired and slept the sleep of the just. The childlike slumber lasted until an early hour in the morn- v ing, when the newspaper man was d* disturbed by a lively tattoo upon the door. “Well?” he demanded, sharply. “I’ve got an important message for you,” said a voice.

Yawning until he nearly had lockjaw. the scribe jumped out of bed toddled across the floor, and opened the door. Tho servant handed in a note and promptly departed. The newspaper than opened the envelope, and found therein a slip of paper bearing the following:— “yj'fly ui the world don’t you get up?” " & . CAME PREPARED. During a. little pedestrian trip a gentleman came uncxpectedlv upon a country racecourse, and 011 'OllO portion of the ground found a thimbleMg establishment, in full work. Notwithstanding the remonstrances of bis companion, the gentleman, who was a bit of a madcap, insisted on w a tclung the garnet "Now, would the gent like to tracer 00111(1 find tljo Pea?” remarked the expert. “Yes,” was the reply. nn SV lloue / ?\' as ou "both sides deII n+W + i aild i i tlle pedestrian, lifting up the thimble, pointed out the re quired pea and took the stakes. ei,;'Lf eC + ° nC i b 6t ’ ‘'' double or quits,” ended, to the surprise of the expert, 111 the same result. * ’ Ihen a third wager, “a. pound or k)°ser m fnl fj eadi ? d tlle serves of the loser,, and the trick was accomplished with great caution. The gendoman J d(ed hl> a thimble and showed the stake 3 * tb<> Same timo Peeheting the T ” e i c -; " l didn’t put it tiS exclaimed the bewildered ar-~r al i vays oarry my OW3I P-a, rejoined the man - had - come out right, as he went on his way with the spoils of wax - .