Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2401, 16 January 1909, Page 10 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Someone -asked ..fax Nordau lo define the dill'erence belwcen genius and insanity. “Well,” said the author ol '■.Degeneration/’ '‘ll jlunatic is at least sure of liis beard and clothes.” A Leap-Year Hint.—Jack: “Tin iiirfuMC-teller eald 1 would many a doude.” Belie: “Did she say how oui?” Jack: * * (i) six months.” hole (coyly): “J. can easily be a hoiide by that time. Jack.” it is apparently still uuceriaii: / .ether tin: Duke of Abruzzi will ob.::in his bride Avithout a struggle. He >, it is said, taking two cruisers with dm to Amcrita.—Punch. “is it true, doctor,” asked the sum-' girl, “that eating eucumbcrs Avili ::ovc freckles?” “Of course.” rc!u:i Dr. Kidder, “under certain cirri. sUuh-. s.” ••Really! What- circnmt.’uces?•” “Weil, provided that tin i'tokles are on tiio encumbers.” 1; was night. They—he and shove rc pitting on the porch, looking at ■hi stars. “You know, I suppose.” o whispered, “what a young man’.' unvilege is Ayhcn he sees a sliooting Far;” “No,” she answered. “I have:'l the slightest idea. There goea •!!■" !” “It in dear, Poston,” said Uerloek hoinu*;- “ihat the farmer who raised lie .-spring chicken was very tenderrn.fir’ “How iu t!io avorid do you now ihr.l ?” f-.-ked tlie asionkfied 'oston. "ii s .simple cnougli. lie nrnu-r hesitated so long before strikng tb. fatal biovv.” “i wouldn't allow anyone to spt-nk h_ disi'e.:j'.t ! eifuliy of my father as that, ft-flow ep:v!;e of .veins.” “Did he i:iUfi my poor old dad? Lei me gel ai : nm. !.'d have him know ;ny pregenitoHs j ust as good as anyone. Wfiai •ui lie :-ayr” “He .said you looked like our father:” ‘ Mr. Rett Ridge told an amming Tory at the Working Men’s Club ol ; ;n a gist rate friend who visited tin Police Court, and Avao invitigd to sit on tlie Bench. “I see you have a reiarknbly tough lot of customcra to leal wiih this morning,” the friend .emai'ked to tlie magistrate, “liusli.” ,fie magistrate replied, “those are the solicitors.” lie had just returned from a Coninental trip, and Avas telling his adventures. “And, above all,” lie said, “1 actually bad the distinguished honor of playing Avlrist Avith the king.” I'lie man in tho overcoat had listened in .silence up to this point, and now ins lip curled scornfully as he replied: “That’s nothing; I once played Avith four kings.” “Really?” “Yes, four kings and an ace.” The minister of a certain cl .ich in Neoii.ind Avas ’walking one misty night /(trough a street in the village when ne fell into a deep hide. There Avac no ladder by Avhirli he coultl make uis esca].»c, and lie began to thonf lor help. A laborer ]uv;.siug ]:eard his cries-, and. looking ikmn a-ki d win!u* v.as. Tin* minister odd him, Avbcreujhui the laborer remarked: “Wrel, v.iii, .vo neediia kick un sic a noise. V.iu'Jl no he nei ded afore Sawbath, an’ this is only Wednesdav nicht.”

JUST THE THING. 3v certain gentleman, having in his cellar come tmrplus ale on the verge of .spoiling;. Avas one day walking round his estate Avhen he came across a party of workmen, Hailing the foreman, he ostentatiously presented the ale to the men, giving them leave to fetch it" as they desired it. Some tin:* afterwards lie met the foreman, and proceeded to extract a suitable aekncAvleclgcment for ids bounty. “Well, Giles, did yen and your men have that ale?” "Yes, air. and thank you.” "Hoav did you like it?” “Oh, it was just the thing for us, sir.” "That’s right. But what do you mean by ‘'just the thing?’” “Why. sir, if it ‘ad been a litilo better we shouldn’t ’a’ bid it, and if ii ' id been a little Averse avo couldn't ‘a’ drinked it.” HIS FIRST WATCH. Quite recently, inio a railway carriage at Oldham stepped a young man —fresh from school evidently, and AA’ea.ring his first Avatoh. The very many nroud glances which he east on the gold chain raised a smile on the faces of his follow passengers. Apparently by accident, though mischief might have been at the bottom of it, tho subject of vouches Avas “brought on the carpet.” "Ah!” 'sighed an old farmer, giving the Avatoh back to the young man. who had handed it round for the inspection of the company, “that timer Avateh ’minds me o’ my own son.”

“Hoav’s that?” indeed scA'oral of the passengers.

“Why, I gave ’im a watch Avhen 'c Avur fifteen years owd, an’ it ivur ilk

ruin o’ ’im.”

Being asked for an explanation, the farmer continued:—

“Afore T gave it ’im ’e wur the straight.est-built lad for miles round : bat ’e bsdn’t ’ad that Avateh above four.'months, afore lie groAved hmspbacked Avi’ lookin’ at the eluiiu so mueli.”

ARTFUL GEORCi K. ; ''Then yon accept me. Lithe! uida. - ' Oh, what, happiness.” “Yes, but you must sec iatlicr and mother, .George.” “As regards your father and mother. Ethelinda,”said George.‘who had boon frequently snubbed by both' duri ne; bis courtship—“as regard* your father and mother—” and he curled lus lip and threw out his chest. “Speak low George,” she said: “I think they are both listening.” “As regards your father and mother.” continued the wily lover, raising ids voice/ “1 think your father is one of the most gentlemanly men 1 ever met'' and as lor your mother, she is one of the. loveliest of women. 1 am not surprised that you are so good, so beautiful, so sweet, when 1 remember vmi are the offspring of such >7

puu. “(«c<)rgo,” said tho father, bustling into tho room, “she is yours.” “And you liave our blessing,” said tho mother.

And George, si<i' Im adjusted his collar. thought to himself that an •ultimo of timely compliment is worth a pound of argunmtt.

RACE FROM DEATH. LIGHT ENGINE PURSUED BY BOAT EXPREBS. The splendid eo;ilness and presence >i mind of two engine-drivers .veiled a disaster on the Grout Ctn.ra.l Railway. *A light engine lied ''inn irons a siding a c Barnetuy iStuion, Umeoinshire. wax proceeding dong i 1 • e main lino to branch off to in.. l engino-siicd. .Simultaneously with presence on tlio main line tlso Cohociitpi boat express to Grimsby camo . .mg at a speed of forty miles an .mr. At this moment thero was only ~ne 100 yards between the trains, bn driven-, of the two engines real;ed tiiat a collision was inevitable, .it instantly acted with splendid •.dgment. The driver of the light ;g>!i« put on full-speed, in the hope . Keeping ahead of the express, while n; diivor of e express applied his - fakes. The race that followed was

; amatie to a degree, the light engine •cipg at terrilie speed and the ex.e s_ pulling up as fast a.s the brakes /mild allow. The vi regress of events .-.ring the next few moments is deed bed by file driver, Elsey, who was i charge of the light engine. “Of mrse,” said Elsey, ‘•the boat train ...lined on us fast, for she was travolng at the rate of about'forty miles n hour. Tile engine-driver did his .or, and when tin; inevitable coliisoeeurrod, only bumped us a bit. rniudi damage vase done, though, was thrown down. I sprained my • ;ck. and my head si ruck something, •md for half an hoar I was uneon•:%>us. in fact, my main thought I be dead.’' In further conversat- ■ Ekuv said lie considered himself ruinate, and gave the opinion that terrible cccidcre was prevented by is setting his engine off at full speed ad warning the driver of the express. L d < not believe that any of the pae■iigeis knew iiow narrow an escape had. had. They only thought :::i the train had pulled up rattier uhleuiy.” Asked as to how the acblout came about. Driver Elsey said •• thought that the signalman must .tve forgotten that fci< engine was ii the main line. Askv.ith. the driv•r of the express, said: "I put my rake gard on and shut off steam. Wo •■ere. travelling between thirty-five ..id forty miles an hour, and you can 4 nets that my feelings were anything ut pleasant. Not only was I face to face with death, but T knew that tho ives of ail the oasseugers were under ny care. Having done u!i I could to d.-ing the train to a stop, never taking my eves off the engine in front, ;.t was a relief to see that the light ;ngine was increasing speed. Had the driver of the light engine lost Ira presence of mind and kept an ordinary speed our train would have de"liih'd him. From first seeing tlie light engine to the time of the collishm was less titan a minute. I had b mtghl lhe heavy train to a stop within twice its length. Even then llie colli--ion was a violent one. The ’.river of the light engine. Elsey, was .brown <>ji to li's sand-box. lie •truck it is head inrun the hand-brake, ;rd his hack hit tie- b : >x. He lay help. • ... Imt Ids jit'-man. w.bo tbought dm '.lead, neve*- ]os head. He • siiiiel charge-, k- nt i he valve open. c w ntinned racing at full speed i 1 he got. d-.ar a wav from us. Tic

pulled up wlien h.o icacind Helen k-es and knew we hud stopped.'’