Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2407, 23 January 1909, Page 10 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

“Ho is a. splendid talker, isn’t lie?” “One of tho finest I have escaped from.”

“What did you think of that girl at her coming-out party ” ( “Well, to bo perfectly frank, I thought she’d better go back.”

Uncle William“ Yes, Willie; I have had my nose to the grindstone all my life.’ Willie: “Is that what makes it so red,-uncle?”

Airs Bonham: “Was the place where you stopped homelike?” Mr Benliam: “Very. There wasn’t a thing on tho bill of faro fit to tit.” '

A soap manufacturer daubed over all tho rocks on the seashore: “Try J.ones’s soap.” A rival, following in his footsteps, painted below: “Then use Smith’s.”

“But I am so unworthy, darling,” Jie murmured, as he held tlie’ dear girl’s hand in ..his. “Oh, George./? she sighed, “if you and papa agreed on every point as you do on that, how happy wo should Is:.”

Wife: “Jt isn’t -right to charge Freddie with taking money out of your pocket.. Why don’t' you accuse me?” -Husband: “Because it wasn’t all taken.”

Hicks: “Alioiwbei’s wealth, J dare say, is wholly due to bis own unaided efforts.” Wicks: “Oil the contrary, the most of it is due to bis creditors; but they’ll never get any of it.”

“Your hair wants cutting badly, sir,” said a- barber insinuatingly to a customer. “No, it doesn’t,” replied the man in tlie chair; “it wants cutting nicely. You cut it badly last time.”

“Alight I ask who lives here?” asked a gentleman of a schoolboy he met in front of a fliandsomo house. “Certainly, sir,” politely replied tlie lad. “Who is it?” “I’m sure I don’t know.” -Easy to Find. —Attorney (for tho defence): “Now, what time was it when you were attacked?” Complainant; “I don’t know: ask your client —lie took my watch.” Heiress: “But, father, that handsome foreign count says he will do something -desperate and awful if I will not marry him.” Father, dryly: “He will. He will have to work.” “Of c urse,” said the -lady with tlie steel hound glasses, “I expected to bo called •strong-minded’ after making a speech-three hours long in favor of car sex, but to have it misprinted into ‘strong winded’ was too. too much.” “I'm sure,” said ’ the interviewer, “that the public would be interested in the secret of your success.” “Well, young man,” replied the captain of industry, “the secret of my success lias been my ability to keep it a secret.”

First Passenger: “Pardon me. but would you mind lending me your spectacles a moment?” Second Passenger: “Certainly.” First Passenger: “Thanks, awfully. And now, as you can no longer read your newspaper, would you kindly -piss it over lo me?”

“Don’t you know, my boy," said the clergyman, gravely, “that you should not play football on Sunday?” “That’s all right, sir,” was the cheery.resp<#isc. “We ain’t playing; we’re only practising for to-morrow's game. A.: “You have used the word “donkey” several times in the last ten minutes. Am 1 to understand that you mean anything of a personal nature?” 15. “Certainly not. There are lets of donkeys in the world besides you.” Eat belly Clergyman (surprising young parishioner in curl-papers): •‘Wliv don’t you leave your hair as it is meant to be, my child? If Nature had wanted your hair to curl, she would have curled it for you.” Offended Young Lady: “When 1 was a little girl she did, sir, but 1 suppose she now thinks I am quite old enough to do. it for myself.” Wife (looking up from her book): “You know a great many things, John —now what do you think should bo done in a case of drowning?” Husband: “Arrango for some sort of a funeral, I should think.” All old sea captain was visiting 'a certain exhibition, and was greatly interested in the mechanical section, where <a- fine array of steam whistles wis oil show. “How far can that be heard?” ho asked, pointing town huge ‘buzzer.” The yd turn man in attendance was only a. deputy, but lie promptly replied “Sixteen miles.” “Sixteen miles ” said the old salt incredulously. “When I say sixteen miles,” elaborated the youth, “I moan eight, miles this way an eight miles that way.” “When did you move into the suburbs?” “Three cooks ago.” Witness at 'Greenwich: “The defaulting creditor is a policeman. Judge Willis: “Don’t mention that. It will destroy public confidence. “So vour son Josh is going to law .school?” “Yes,” answered banner Corntossel; “but ho don t pay no ’tention whatever to his books, l guess maybe lie’s goin’ to be one o these hero unwritten lawyers. Tlio village amateur operatic company recently essayed to give a performance of a musical play written round tli'e story of “The Mistletoe Bough.” As a vocalist the heroine wasliot a success, and in addition she had the misfortune, •when playfully lulling in the ancient o ik chest (kindIv lent bv 'the local greengrocer), to 1 hear the'lid go down with a _ click, i “The lid of your box is locked, w.ius- ! pored, the alarmed stagf-niauager U> I the-grocer, who'was in the front s'.tks. “She a in! t a-goin’ to< sing no more, is Jshe ?”•:.:was the cautious inquiry. ’ “Her'spirit taopcars in the next act and .dugs twice,” said the manager. “Oh. do it?” nr no the reply;. Then I’m a-goin’ to > : dc the key. '