Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2425, 13 February 1909, Page 9 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

Husband: “I pity the poor milkman this morning; he looks -awfully discouraged since those inspectors xvere appointed.” Wife: “Yes; hub the milk doesn’t look half so blue.’

“Have you not sold enough poems this xveek to paper our parlor, dear?” asked the poet’s wife. “No, dear,” was the sad reply, “but I’ve had enough manuscripts returned to do it easily enough.”

Jinks: “That young lady may be a fine pianist, as you say, but there is no xvarmth in her touch.” Blinks: “I guess you didn’t hear her play the ‘Moonlight Symphony.’” Jinks: “No; but I squeezed her hand.”

“Glad to see you, old man.” “Thanks. I’m glad x\'o 'happened to meet. Where are you located now?” “I’m in the new Cloud Tickler Build-ing—ninety-eighth floor. Drop in and see me some time when you’re passing.”

Air Crimsonbeak: “What in tiie xvorld’s the matter xvith this shirt?” Mrs Crimsonbeak: “Oh, I guess tho girl boiled it a little too long, clear, that’s all.” Mr Crimsonbeak: “Looks to me as if she had fried it!” One of the most curious tilings in the xx’orld is a xvoman, xvho, having fallen in love with a man because- -of his xvit, talks so much after their marriage that he never gets a chance to shoxv xvhether he is able to keep on being xvitty or not. A pompous maker of machinery xvas showing a stranger ox r er his establishment. “-Fine piece of machinery, isn’t it?” “Yes,” said the visitor, “but you can’t hold a candle to the goods that xve. are turning out.” “Indeed,” replied the chagrined manufacturer, “and what may be your line?” “Gunpoxvder.” THE SERVANT KNEW. “Aliss'Ethel is a long time coming down,” said a youth to the servant of tho house in xvhicli he had been xvaiting some time for the young lady’s appearance. “Perhaps,” he added, with a langli, “she is making up her mind xvhether to see me or not.” “No,” said the maid, “it isn’t her mind she is making up !” HT TASTED SO GOOD, BUT—“Are you the ‘Ansxyors to Correspondents’ editor?” inquired the pale, dyspeptic-looking caller at a publishing house, on the day after Christmas. ~ i “J am,” replied the lady addressed. “What can I do for you?” “First,” answered the man, “xvhat xvill dissolve a chunk of lead in the human stomach? Second, won t you please refrain from publishing recipes for plum pudding next Christmas."’ EVIDENTLY. Among the bogging letters recently received at the office of a- benevolent society xvas one running thus: “This unfortunate young n an is the only son of a xvidow, xvho died childless, ad his earnings maintained Ins aged father and infant brothers, xvhose sole-support.'ho is.” The. secretary of the- society xvrote on the margin' of the epistle the following note-: “The circumstances of the case are evidently exaggerated.”

WHAT SHE AY AS WORKING FOR. “They tell me you’re xxorking arc! night- an’ day. Sarah?” her bosom friend Ann said. “Yes.” returned Sarah. “I’m under bonds to keep the peace for pullin’ the xvhiskers out of that old scoundrel of a husban’ of mine, and the Alagistrate said that if I come afore s ini ag’in, or laid me ’ands on the old man, he’d fine me forty shillin s ! “And so you’re xvorking ’aid to keep keep out of mischief ?’’ “Not much; I’m xvorkin ard.to sax r c up the fine!” SAAY SOAIETHING ELSE. A physician engaged a nurse, recontlv graduated, for a ease of delirium tremens. The physician succeeded in quieting his patient and left some medicine, instructing the nurse to administer it to him if he. •’began to see snakes again.” At the next call the physician found the patient again raving.' To his puzzled inquiry the nurse replied that tho man had been (T o ino- on that way for several hours, and that she had not given him any medicine. . .. “But didn’t I tell yon to give it to him if he began to see. snakes again ? asked the physician., . “But he didn’t see snakes tins time,” replied the nurse confidently. “He saxv red, xvhite and blue turkeys xvith straw hats on.” AYHY T NOT ? - One of the greatest of living violinists not long ago proved himself both proud and ingenious. A millionairc French bootmaker invited him to dine, and after dinner brought out a violin and asked liis guest to play. The musician hit his lip, but taking the instrument he played severa’i beautiful compositions. Aftenvard, in Paris, the violinist invited the millionaire to dinner. After dinner, in the presence of the distinguished company, a servant brought in a pair of old boots, xvliicli the' host handed to his ' millionaire guest. At the latter’s puzzled look as ho axvkxvardly took them the violinist smiled xvith grave courtesy and replied: “In Nice you asked me after dinner to play for'you. Noxv I ask you to mend these hoots for me. Each to his trade, you know!”

SO BAD AS THAT! A young medical student avJio calling upon a girl volunteered to snift and help entertain the company u } nc l arrived uexpectedly. At the end or his.seeond solo lie turned to the young lady and remarked, “I am thinking- f taking vocal lessons. Do you kiioav of a good teacher?” , “Yes, indeed,” was'the quick reply , “I know the very une lor you. Ueie is his address,” and . she sonbb ed tl e name on a card, giving it to the stuCl °Next day ho called up the teacher by telephone: “Is .this the instructor oi : vocal music?” “Tho what?” was the answer. ■ “The vocal teacher ?” was,repeated.; • “Naw,” came the reply, “I don’t teach nothing—l file saws l”