Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2431, 20 February 1909, Page 10 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

“Amu say your wife does all her own cooking?” “A r es, slio does her own; I take my meals at the club.”

Clarence: “Miss Sharpen has brains enough for two, by Jove!” Florence: “Then why don’t you marry her, Clarence?”

Missionary: “Our situation was so remote that for a whole year my wile never saw a white face but my own.” Sympathetic Young AVoinan: “Oh, poor thing.”

• Elsie: “Papa says he thinks he gave you quite a start when you asked for my hand.” Jack: “Huh, I don’t call that a start; lie reached me before i got to the door!”

A lady-correspondent, who assumes to know' how hoys ought to be trained, writes as fellows: —“Oh, mothers! hunt the soft, tender, gonial side of your boy’s nature.” Mothers often do —with an old shoe.

Bronson: “I understand he painted cobwebs on the ceiling so perfectly that tho maid wore herself out trying to sweep them down.” Johnson: “There may have been such an artist, but there never was such a housemaid.”

Hitter: “This paper states that it is only a matter of time when the motor car will reach the poor man.” Upp: “You bet it will reach him if he don’t get out of tho road as soon as he hears the first ‘honk, honk!’”

A Scottish blacksmith, being asked / the meaning of metaphysics, replied:/ “When the party wha listens disna j ken wha the party wha speaks means; / and when the party wha_ speaks disna j ken wluit lie means him.sol’ —that’s metaphysics.”

Farmer Barker: “1 want to get a present to take back to my wife on tho farm.” Elegant Clerk: “How would shr> like a pie knife.” Farmer Barker: “Good land, young man! Ain’t you never been told you mustn’t eat pie with no knife?”

The Doctor: “AVell, Airs. Barnes, 1 must offer you my congratulations. I hear you’ve married again. And have you given up your occupation oi washing?” Airs. Barnes: “Oh, no, sir. But you see, if 1 ’adn’t taken ’e, 1 d ’a’ ’ad to ’a’ bought a donkey!”

Conductor: “1 had a narrow escape last night. I fell off the rear ph tform, but luckily wasn’t injured.

Afotorman: “AVell, they say Providence takes care of intoxicated men and tools.” Coundctor: “But 1 never drink.” Alotoniian: That’s all right, old pal. I know you don’t.”

The star pupil arose at- the school entertainment lo declaim his piece. “Lend me your ears,” he bawled. “Ha!” sneered the mother of tho opposition, hut defeated, purffl “that Sarah Jane Doran’s hoy. He wouldn't be his mother’s son if he didn't want to borrow something.”

“Your business college for young ladies seems to be ah right.” “It is all right.” “Do you give the girls a good practical business training?” “In reply to that question I can only say that sixty per cent, of our graduates marry their employers tho first vear.”

There was once a comedian who went with a fishing party, and began to suffer from thirst. One of the crowd took pity on the sufferer, and fastened a bottle of beer to bis fishing line while he was on a voyage of exploration. When the actor returned he found his line heavy, and started to haul in what he thought was the biggest fish of the day. _ . Gleeful over his changed luck, ho shouted to tlie captain : “Hey, Captain, this is the place. Anchor right here; we’re sailing over a brewery.” SOLD. A Yankee and a Frenchman owned a pig between them. After fattening piggy well up until the festive season, they unanimously decided to kill him for dividend purposes. With his native shrewdness, the Yankee was extremely anxious to divide so that ho should himself secure both liindvuarters, so he pursuaded his French partner that the best way to divide the pig was to cut it across tlie back. The Frenchman readily agreed, on condiion that the Yankee should turn his back, and in that position take his choice of the pieces alter the pig was cut iu two. The Yankee turned away, and the Frenchman said “Yich piece vi 11 you ’ave—ve piece wiz ze tail on ’ini, or ze piece vot ’avo gotno tail on ’ini?” “The piece with the tail!” shouted the Yankee, instantly. “Den, by gar I you take ’im, an’ I vi 11 take ze ozzer piece!” retorted the Frenchman. On rapidly turning about, the horrified Yankee found that his enterprising partner had cut off the pig’s tail and stuck it in the .animal’s rnoutli. A NAIVE HOSTESS. Referring to, Madame Patti’s recent appearance at tho.-Albert Hail, a correspondent of an English paper tolls an amusing story of an incident which happened a short time ago in the vicinity of Craig-y-nos, the famous singer’s AVelsh home. Patti one afternoon sloped at the door of a small cottage to drink a cup of milk. Her hostess, taking her for a stranger, regaled her with fabulous stories of Madame Patti. Then tlie mistress of Craig-y-nos made herself known. The old Welshwoman was delighted, and with charming naivete asked: “Oh, dear, dear, will you kindly sing something for me, whateffor?” “Very well,” answered the. other. “Shut the-door, and I will sing.” Iho door was shut and Patti sang “Home, Sweet Home.” Several days afterwards she"again called at the cottagCj and again was invited to sing. Hardly hud she finished the last notes of “Comin ’Thro’ the Rye” when a wild applause broke out from all sides of her and cries of “cto” .(“.again!”) Pressed for an explanation, tlie old dame, having informed some neighbors of the former incident, had .cioivds of visitors every day. aim, in,shied upon secreting themselves in her spare rooms on the off chance of Aladamo Patti ,again, calling. “I’m ve,ry glad you did call,”