WIT AND HUMOUR

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2455, 20 March 1909, Page 9 (Supplement)

WIT AND HUMOUR

Ho who thinks he can do without others is mistaken; he Avho . thinks others cannot do without him is - still more mistaken.

“Henry,” said a teacher to a boy in her class, “name some of the chief beauties of education/’ School-mistresses!” ansAverod the lad, smiling.

A little widow hoav and then Plays havoc Avith the single men, She smites our hearts with glances bright, Beware, 0 men, the widow’s smite.

“George, dear,” said a young Avife, “you are groAving handsomer every day. M “Yes, darling,” replied George. “It’s a-Avay I liavo just before your birthday.”

“Certainly you may take a homemade loaf to your companion,” said a lady to a tramp. “Is he hungry, too?” “No, mum,” replied the beggar; “he’s a geologist!”

One cold day an old woman entered a shop and sat doAvn in front of an iron safe to AA'arm her feet. After sitting for some twenty minutes she remarked that she “never did like them kind of stoves; they don’t throw out scarcely any heat.”

“The manager alAAays keeps back a portion of the villain’s salary.” “Why does he do that —afraid he’d skip?” “No; but he always acts his part better -AA-hen he’s mad.”'

“Women must consider it a dreadful fate to be old maids,” mused Air Chugwater.

“They do, Josiah,” said Airs Chugwater. “Look what terrible noodles they sometimes marry to escape it.”

And Josiah rubbed his chin, but said nothing.

King Arhur had just come in after a night Avith the boys.” “What time is it?” asked the queen.

“Gadzooks!” ausAvered the king. “The dial stopped Avhen the sun AA*ent down.”

And he congratulated himseif that he lived in the olden time."

“Be careful Avhat you say OA j er the Avire, Airs Brightly; you may be sure the telephone girl is listening.”

“Of course she is.”

• “Indeed, I’m not,” yelled the, hello maid, and the sizzling, crackling sound with which she broke the connection caused both of the AA'omen to run.

“Darling,” exclaimed the liappy man, tlie next moment, “I never dared hope you Ai-ould accept me.”* “I’ll explain,” said Aliss Lakeside. “I consulted a fortune teller the other day, and she told me my second marriage Ai'ould make me very happy and ivealthy, so, of course, I had to get my first marriage over Avith.”

Daughter: “PaAV, this piano is horribly out of tune.” Nervous Parent; “Y-e-s, my dear, it is. I guess you’d better not play on it any more until it has been tuned.” “Well, I Avon’t. When will you have it fixed?” “Oh, in a year or so.”

“Reginald,” said his father, producing the whangee, “your mother tells me you have been naughty again to-day. When I was a boy I Avas soundly thrashed Avhen I- was naughty.

“Ah,” said the azure-eyed one, “I bet you hadn’t as good and Arise a father as I have, papa.”

“I’m troubled a great deal with headaches in the morning,” said Luscliman. “Perhaps'it’s my eyes. Do you think I need stronger glasses?”

“No,”-replied Dr Wise, meaningly; “what you need is not stronger glasses, but fewer.”

Sunday-school teacher: “Well, Johnny, have you had anything during tho Aveek to be especially thankful for?” Johnny: “Yes, ma’am.” Sunday-school - teacher: “VTiat was "it?”

Johnny: “Billy Jones sprained his Avrist yesterday, and I licked him for the first time.”

“Alas,” cried the poet, dramatically, “misfortune dogs my ;footstops! That Avretched spaniel has devoured my last inspiration!” But, my dear,” liis AA’ife rejoined, “you knOAV you read it aloud while he Avas in the room.”

“Try ono of these, cigars, old chap,” said a barrister jovially. “I reserve the for my special friends.” “Indeed!” his friend commented, after a few puffs; “if you hadn’t mentioned it I should have thought you reserved them for your special enemies.” A physician Avas recently Avalking in the street witli his five-year-old son, when they were" obliged -to remain on the pavement a feAV minutes to allow a funeral procession to pass. The youngster had npvcr seen Anything of the kind. His eyes Avidened. Pointing to 'the hearse ho asked: . “Dad, what’s that?” “That, my son,” said the physician, Avith a grim smile, “is a mistaken diagnosis. 1 *