Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2544, 3 July 1909, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

“Truth is mighty,” said the moraliser. L “Vos,” rejoined the donioraliscr, “it : is mighty scarce.” l “Poor AVaggs! He was a most gen- - ial soul.” - , “Yes. indeed ho was. The only i tiling, ho ever took serious’y was the - cold that carried him off.” “AVho gave the bride away?” 3 “Her little brother. He stood up r right in the middle of the ceremony i and yelled, ‘Hurrah, Fanny, you’ve got 1 him at last!” l 1 “Look ’ere, did you say I stole that 3 tanner you Jest?” “No, Oi didn’t! Oi only said that if 1 you ’iidn’t ’elped me to look for it, Oi j moight ’ave found it!” [ She: “Mr. IVoom does not pay his 1 wife much attention.” 1 He: “No; the only time I ever knew of his going out with her was once ) when the gas exploded.” 1 “How about the rent of this house 1 of yours, Jones? doesn’t tho landlord ask a,good deal for it?” “Yes, he often asks five or six times . a quarter for it.” 1 “Don’t you think,” said the young man, “that literature is in a state of decline?” “Unquestionably,” replied tbe other. “It’s in a chronic state of decline—with thanks.” “In choosing his men,” said the Sabbath-school superintendent, . “Gid- ■ eon did not select those who laid aside i their arms and threw themselves down Ito drink. He took those who watched 1 with one eye and drank with the ! other.” | “AVhit way hae ye gi’en ower smok- ! in’ Donal’ ?” ] “Well, it’s no sick a p easure after : a’, for ye ken a buddy’s ain tebaccy costs ower muckle; and if ye’re smokin’ anither buddy’s, ye bae to ram yer pipe sae tight it’ll no draw.” ; Mother looked out of the window to | see what caused the scuffling on the i front porch. “Oh! you naughty boy!” ! she said to her four-year-old, “step ] pulling that poor cat’s tail.” _‘Tm ! not -pulling it, mama,” he said inno- ! cently; “I’m only holding on. The ! cat is doing the pulling.” | Dasraeli was a past-master in the art lof flattery, but his audacity carried } him out of danger. Soon after his ] elevation to the House of Lords he wae I asked by a brother peer how he felt j in his new surroundings, j “Oh, don’t ask me,” ho groaned; I “dead and buried.” Then, remembering that his questioner was of the com--1 pany he was condemning, he added, I “And in the realms of the blest.” NO HURRY. It was one of those sleepy little towns —-very sleepy little towns. A gentleman arrived and wanted a haircut. He found the barber’s shop, and, after shaking the barber vigorously, managed to awake him. “How long will it take to cut my hair, barber?” be asked. “Not long, sir.” said the barber. And he rose, yawned, and stretched himself. Then he called upstairs to his wife: — r “Hey! send the boy down to the ‘Sun’ office to tell the editor I want my scissors just as soon as he’s done editin’ the paper. There’s a gent here waitin’ for a hair-cut.” PROA T E A DRAW. “While I am here,” said a businesslike American manager once to Max O’Rell, after settling details of p’abforro arrangements for a lecture, “I ;nay as well give you your fee. I have got the money with me.” “Just as you please,” said Max. “A ! foe paid in advance clears the voice, j But don’t you call that risky?” j “AVliat do you mean? It would not ! pay you to run away without giving the j lecture. Your name is too we.l i known.” 1 “Thanks for the compliment-, re- | turned the genial Frenchman. “But suppose I should die before tho evening?” “Oh, that wouldn’t c matter,” answered the smart entrepreneur, with a grim smile. “I’d exhibit your corpse. 1 guess the re Yl be just as much money ‘n it.” CHRISTENING THE BABY. “What name do you give this child?” asked the clergyman. “John Ananias Jones,” replied the proud father. “I refuse to christen the child in the second name. Do you know who Ananias was?” protested the clergyman. “No, I don’t,” replied the father; “an’ I don’t care who he was!” “But he was the greatest liar in Bib’e history!” said the shocked clergyman. “Never ychi mind,” retorted the father; “my kid ain’t no liar. 1 wants ’im named Ananias.” “I won’t do it!” said the clergyman, determinedly. “I will christen the child John Hezekiah Jones!” And he did so, sprinkling the water on the infant’s face with tho utterance of each name. “An’ I rubs out the middle splash,” said the father, just as determined, as lie wiped the water off the off-spring’s nose with his coatsleove, and afterwards sprinkled more on, “an’ I christens the kid John Ananias Jones. So there! GOOD FOR BRONSON. They were on the engrossing subject of girls. , . , T> “Look here,” exclaimed Bronson, "did you over take a girl out to lunch when she folt a little faint?” “J 3 admitted Johnson, reluctan“AVell, then, take my advice and don’t. Ono day I took Miss Florry Flapper into a restaurant. At first she declined to cat anything, but then she said she believed she did feel a little faint;” “Did she take anything?” “Did she take anything?” cried Bronson. “She seized _ the menu,, glanced over it, and said 6ho didn’t feel very hungry, and ordered—” / “Well, what did she order?” “Oysters, boui’lon, lobster cutlets, sweetbreads, and peas- inicken, shrimp salad, biscuit macaroons, coffee, and creme do month. It cost iue fifteen bob!” “AVell, you ought to bo glad,” said Johnson. “Glad? What for?” “AVhy, glad she war n’t l.'ir'rrv.” fslS li il i 11 1 ill ini