Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2550, 10 July 1909, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

She: “Belle says she can read her husband like a book.” He: “Ah, yes. He is her third volume, isn’t he?”

Mrs. Caller: “You surely don’t always give your husband a necktie on his birthday?” Mrs. Athome: “Yes, 1 do, and the poor dear doesn’t even know it’s the same one each time!”

Jenny: “Jack, you ought to make some sacrifice to prove that you love me. Come, now, what’ll you give me when we’re married?” Jack: “Jenny, I’ll —I’ll give up being a bachelor.”

Small Girl: “Why doesn’t babv talk, father?” Father: “He can’t talk yet, dear; young babies never do.” Small Girl: “Oh, yes. they do. Nurse read to me out of the Bible how Job cursed the day he was born.”

Chief of Detectives: “Now give us a description of your missing cashier. How tall was he?” Business Man: “I don’t ’knowhow tall he was. What worries me is that he was £SOO short.”

“Well, old man, I’ve spent every penny of money I have made in the world on my doctor.”

“Does he know it?” “He must know it. He has pronounced me perfectly well now.”

“Well, Patrick,' did your poor wife die contented?” asked the landlord. “She did, sir,replied Pat. “She was complainin’ up to the lasht, but when she died she was contented, and didn’t say a word.”

Office Boy: “I want to go to my grandmother’s funeral.” Employer: “I caii’t let you go, and I don’t think you will be missed, anyway, as the last time she had a funeral there were 30,000 people there.”

He: “If I’d known liow sarcastic you were, I never should have married you.” She: “You had a chance to notice it. Didn’t I say. ‘This is so sudden’ when you proposed to me after four years’ courtship?” WOMAN’S GENTLE ART. “I often wonder,” said a gentleman to a young mechanic, “how you ever plucked up courage enough to propose to your wife—you were always such a bashful young fellow.” “Well,” explained the husband, “she made it easy for' me. You know I walked out with her frequently, and she must have known I meant business. But I was always afraid to speak right out, till one night I said to her, rather casually, 'Do you think you’ll ever marry?’ She said she thought she might; so I said, ‘When?’ ‘Whenever you do.’ was her answer; and I said ‘All right.’ so we settled the day there and then.”

THE MISSING LINK. A lawyer having oinces in a building wherein are some hundreds of tenants, recentl- lost a cuff-link, one of a pair that he greatly prized. Being absolute]"- certain that he had dronned the link somewhere in the building, ho caused a notice to be posted in tiie following terms; — “Lest. A gold cuff-link. The owner, William Ward, will deeply appreciate its immediate return.” That afternoon, on passing the door whereon this notice was posted, what were the feelings of the lawyer to observe that appended thereto were these lines;— . “The finder of the missing cuff-hnic-would deem it a great favor if the owner would kindly lose the oihei link.”

SHE WENT FOR HER HOLIDAY

Here is a pleasant tale of matrimonial methods. The wife was negotiating with the husband for an Easter holiday that would cost something. _ “Jane.” he said, impressively. “Ic like for you to have it. I’d be glad to let you go.’ The wife looked her doubts as to whether this was quite the right tone for an affectionate man to take. “Yes, I'd be glad,” he said, with conviction. “But the fact is I can’t do it. I have to take up a note for four thousand pounds next week, and I can t spare a penny.” The wife looked hint up and down. “Very well, Josiah,” she said; Tory well. If you think the man who holds your note can make things hotter toi you than I can—very well, Josiah. She had her Easter holiday, and enjoyed it verv much, too.

HOIST WITH HIS OWN PETARD

A certain gentleman, who was somewhat officious, went one day to see a football match. While-lie was there, his lynx -like eyes caught sight of some youths playing cards, and, himself being of anti-gambling nature, he quietly informed a policeman of what he had “Playing cards? No fear, replied the constable. “I know them chaps very well: thov are quite respectable. “But,” persisted his informant, a saw them doing so, and when they saw I was looking they hid the cards, I 11 bet a sovereign to a penny that that little chan with the bowler hat on has got them in liis pocket. ' < “Want to bet, do you?” said the 'constable, with a twinkle in his eye; “and that board over there says. ‘Betting strictly prohibited!’ So I think I ct better make sure of one job to-day, and run you in for betting.” And click went the cuffs.

BID NOT REQUIRE AN EXPERT

A well-known business man in a town not far from London discovered one morning recently, on entering Jus onice, that liis safe was out of order, immediately telegraphed to the Metropolis for an expert. . , , When the latter arrived lie found that, the safe—an old-fashioned aflau, locked'with a key—could not he opened. After a hasty examination the expert.,staking a piece of wire, dug out key a mass of dust and lint. He then opened the safe in the twinkling <>f an eye. Tho business man wore a sickly smile as lie asked, meekly: .‘'How much?” “Three pounds.” “Do any of your firm’s patrons hero know of your visit?” “Not a soul hut yourself.” “Then.” added the business man, “here’s five pounds. I’ll take it as agreat favor if you’ll go .back by the first train. If anyone in' this town knew that I had paid a man three pounds to dig dirt nut- of a key for mo I’d never do another shilling’s worth of business in the whole town.”