Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVIII, Issue 2711, 15 January 1910, Page 3 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

“The man who fails is worth ten of the fellows who never try,” is a piece of 'modern philosophy.

Minister: And the child’s name, madam? Mother (firmly): Name him Frederick Robert Cook Peary Smith. I’m not going to take any chances.

Once on a time I saw a bear Who was dressing her daughter’s hair Once on a time I saw a big rat, A nd under his arm he carried his hat.

“How do you tell the age of a turkey?” “By the teeth.” “But a turkey hasn’t any teeth.” “No, but I have!”

“Isn’t there a saying, wife, that a woman forgives where a man forgets?” “Yes, and I think it’s true.” “My dear, I’m glad you endorse it, for here are three letters you gave me to post last week.”

The One: I married at the age of 21. It was a case of “marry in haste and repent at leisure.” The Other: I didn’t marry until I was 40—and it Was a case of “marry at leisure and repent in haste.”

“Gentlemen of the jury,” said the prosecuting barrister, “this prisoner is an unmitigated scoundrel; he acknowledges it. And yet, thanks to the wisdom of the common law, he has been given a fair trial by a jury of his peers.”

“Well, my man,” inquired a colonel of a retired corporal, “what trade do you propose following on your return to civil life?”

“Why, sir,” was the airy reply, “I’m going to try for work as a jobbing gardener on board ship.”

Jones: “How on earth does Bluffem manage to get credit for his clothes at that swell tailor’s?” Brown: “The tailor found out that he lived at the Hotel Magnificent.” Jones: “But how does he manage to carry it off with the hotel people?” Brown: “I suppose they judge him by his clothes.”

WASHING WITHOUT LANGUAGES

The new coloured laundress has just returned the week’s wash. Said the lady of the apartment: “Delia, tlie.se dlcthes are done up verv well indeed.”

“Yes, I was taught laundry work at Hampton School.” “So you went to Hampton, did you? It’s a very good school.” “Oh, yes, it’s a very good school.” replied the dusky washerladv judicially. “But they teach no languages there.”

The class at Heidelberg was studying English conjugations, and each verb considered was used in a model sentence, so that the students should gain the benefit of pronouncing the connected series of words, as well as learning the varying forms of the verb. This morning it was the verb “to have” in the sentence, “I have a gold mine.” Herr Schmitz was called to his feet by Professor Wulff. “Conjugate ’do liafF in der sentence, T haff a ‘golt mine,” the professor ordered. Herr Schmitz proceeded:

“I haff a golt- mine, du bas a golt dein, be hags a golt hiss. Ve, you, or dev haff a golt ours, yours, or deirs, as de case may be.”

DR. HALE'S SAINT. Dr. Hale and tlie late Bishop Huntington, of New York, were fast friends. Tire latter had been a Unitarian and his shift caused a sensation. It is a common practice of Episcopal ministers in writing letters to head tlie missive with the name of the saint they find in the calender for the day, in place of the date, and Bishop Huntington promptly adopted the fashion. The first time he had occasion to write to his old friend, Dr. Hale, after joining the Church, he dated the note •‘St. Michael’s Day.” A reply from the doctor came, and at the head of the page was written in a full round hand, “Wash Day.’’ FIXED DEPOSITS. A newly-appointed Scottish minister on his first Sunday of office had reason to complain of the poorness of the collection. “Mon,” replied one of the elders, “they are close —vera close. But,” confidentially, “the auld meenster he put three or four saxpence into the plate hissel’, just to gie them a start. Of course he'took the sixpence awa’ with him afterwards.” The new minister tried the same plan, but the next Sunday he again had to renort a dismal failure. The total collection was not only small, but he was grieved to. find that his own sixpences were missing. “Ye may be' a better preacher than the auld meenister,” exclaimed the elder, “but if ye had half the knowledge o’ the world, an’ o’ yer ain flock in particular, ye’d ha’ done what he did,' an’ glued' the saxpences to tdie plate.” THE STRAIGHT TIP. [A straight figure is immensely conducive to a straight life. —Rev. Hugh B. Chapman.] Straight shoulders mean a life of grace, Erect heads hint morality, Well-finished joints, earth in its place, Prove freedom from rascality.

In splints then put, if knocked, each • knee, And you’ll grow meritorious. Wear stays as moral aids, and be Tlie mride of the censorious.

Would you be trusted by all men, As grocers are to handle eggs, To make no moral mess, oh, then Be sure you haven’t bandy legs.

Adopt these hints, and rest assured, Although you’d not expect it, you’d Of all your -vicious ways be cured, And take to moral rectitude. M.S. “Daily Chronicle.”