ON THREE REMOVALS OR A FIRE.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVIII, Issue 2740, 19 February 1910, Page 1 (Supplement)

ON THREE REMOVALS OR A FIRE.

(By It. Andom, Author of “We Three and Troddles,” “Four Men with a Van,” etc.)

I have heard it stated (proverbially I believe) that three removals equal one fire, i don’t know if the fire is any more destructive, but I do know it is simpler and easier. In the case of the fire you just slide out of your bedroom window into the rhododendrons, and finish your sleep there while the firemen do the rest. Then you call round and collect the insurance money, and buy some more chairs and other things, which you have sent direct to the new address, and there you are. I am prejudiced against moving, not so much on my own account as because I have been helping a man I know to move, and I’d rather have a fire than another such experience, let alone three of them. And it wasn’t a real move either, but a sort of spring clean and re-arrangement of the furniture rolled into one, which has all the horrors of a moving job without the expense and trouble of finding a new house, and Troddles is very partial to it. He says it breaks uj> the monotony of life and prevents that listless, stagnant, wish-I-were-dead-or-someth-ing-would-happen feeling tliat affects so many suburban families.

We, his friends, often wish that Troddles, — were —dead-or-something- . would-happen to him. I mentioned that his scheme for obtaining a change and recreation was an economical one; tliat is, because he uses us. He doesn’t put it that way. What lie says is, ‘‘'Come round and see my calceolarias, old man.” .’dost of us don’t know a calceolaria from a cornflower, but if we have nothing (particular on hand that Saturday afternoon we go. I.act year Jenkins went out for a day in the country, and lie tumbled downstairs with a set of fircirons and a, musical box. And he sat on the bottom stair with his left leg at right angles to him, and while the doctor was setting it he told Troddles that the next time he had a moving job on hand, he hoped he would be frank and honest about it and say so, and •not disguise it as calceolarias. But 1 haven’t explained Troddles’ method. Troddles has a small house out mv way, and means contracted in proportion; but lie has large ideas and overwhelming fondness for change. In consequence his rooms arc always changing places in the most surpiisiug way, and one month lie will have his inning room up in the attic, anq the bath room in the conservatory; and the next the bath room will he in the scullery and the conservatory in the drawing room. Of course his wife doesn't- like it; but what is she amongst so many? She i:_, a meek lady, and if it pleases Troddles to have the cooking done in the front cl the house and the meals served in the scullery, she graciously waives her own preferences for a more usual and settled arrangement of things. She won’t have anything to do with the shifting about, though; and as soon as Troddles begins to show symptoms of a new attack, she sends the girl away, and goes and steps with her mother for a season. Then Troddles gets one of us to come in and help him, and he has a glorious time, during which he puts the piano where the washing machine stood, and places the washing machine in the best bedroom. From the point of view of amused spectators we are tolerant or Troddles, and inclined to view his idiosyncrasy merely in the light of an amiable weakness; hut those cf us who have been called upon to assist at a seance are apt to burden our hearts and consider him a dangerous nuisance who hardly falis short of being a criminal lunatic. 1 sauntered round to Troddles’ place in an easy, comfortable frame of mind. It was raining, so I couldn’t go riding; and really it seemed to me a very opportune and pleasant way of filling in an hour, and profitable, as must ever be to an observant man the watching of a friend making a fool of himself. Troddles met me at the door and told me that he wanted me to give him a hand with his sideboard. He had (put it away upstairs to make room for a new billiard-cum-dining table, in his dining room.

A hand I was perfectly willing to lend; but I didn’t understand that this singularly elastic term was .meant to cover several square inches of skin, and more bumps and bruises than you < an gather out of a railway collision, or I should have declined. I knew it was going to be a tough job, even though I made Treddles get a screw-driver and remove portions of the unwieldly article.

That done, wo took the hack downstairs between us, and smashed the glass and broke off a shelf in doing it. Troddles fumed about it; but as I told him, his labor was so cheap that he could afford a pound or two for breakages.

That was before I had sustained any serious personal damage, - and I was comparatively cheerful and light-heart-ed. Later I was not so complaisant, and I told Troddles a lot of good and useful tilings as we stood on the stairs, with the sideboard wedged half way down them, so that it would neither go forward nor come hack.

I don’t know how it happened exactly, except that my foot slipped at a critical ■ moment, and Troddles, who was below, was in imminent danger of getting the last crowning change in his state which would leave him with no further care or concern about such trivial details as the arrangement of his furniture.

Tragedy was averted by the interposition of Providence and a banister rail, but the damage was sufficiently

great to both of us, the sideboard, and the house, and the resulting position undeniably awkward. The Troddleses would, when they wanted to go to bed, either have to swarm over the obstacle blocking the staircase, o r ascend by means cf a ladder reared to an upstair window.

I suggested that Troddles had bettor get up then and there and contrive a whip with the clothes hne and coal scuttle, because his wife and the serving maid might not be equal to the feat of mountaineering necessary, and unwilling to adopt the dangerous and difficult alternative.

Troddles begged me not to be an a:r, but to run round to get Sroithors to come and assist us. He himself was wedged in an angle at the foot of the staircase, and could do nothing to liberate himself short of swarrrrng up

over the smooth, shiny surface set at an angle impossible to ascend without spiked shoes or an alpenstock or something. Eventually I got over ike banisters and dropped into the hall below; but not even with Smithers’ help could I release Troddles or move that silly chunk of woodwork, and it required the further assistance of the milkman and a passing coal-heaver before vr H got Troddles out and the sideboard, very much scratched and damaged, into its place.

I wanted the rest cf the day to recuperate in and repair damages, and j left Troddles very disappointed and dissatisfied over two or three jobs of a like nature that he had contemplated doing with my assistance. I can’t sympathise with this mariacf Troddles. except that change is undeniably a great and a good thing, even if it he only the shifting round of a few domestic details to present a new and fresh appearance, but it should be done generously, and by skilled and robust workmen. Mere friendship is unequal to the strain, and from reasons of social economy it is not desirable, when several good and worthy men make it their business and iprefit to do just that and nothing more. That is where Troddles makes a mistake. He palters with the thing, and by a scheme of compromise he gets all the discomfort and expense, without the benefit that a real move would give him if he timed it judiciously by moonlight and with all the taxes due and unpaid. There is no valid reason why he shouldn't mc-vo, if he chooses to, such as kept a relative of mine in an uncongenial house for seven years, for instance. That was the funniest case I ever heard of. though Murphy didn’t consider it funny. He rented a place out in the country, and as soon as he moved down to it- he found that he had a three mile walk to the junction every morning to catch' a train that would laud him in town in time for business. Murphy is fairly well to to, lit l- he

has a big streak of meanness u l:i.s make-up. and on account oi five tons of coal which he couldn't got at and wouldn’t desert he is still there, still fuming over his throe mile walk, and still cussing.

It was a small matter of a cellar deser which was made to open iniwi-is instead cf outwards. Murphy bad the coal shot in. and discovered ibis minor but momentous fact when lie went down with the coal scuttle ar-cl a candle to get fuel. He didn’t get any; he hasn't get any yet, and out in the near suburbs desirable villas ber-kon to liim alluringly to come away from a place which lias no attraction and much that- is repellent fo him, save tons of coal .pent up behind an inch of board, and representing an outlay of five guineas. I asked him why he didn’t got an axe and he said —it weald cost him fifteen .shillings to repair the obstruction after he had got- it to bits.