FUN WITH MR. TAFT.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVIII, Issue 2771, 29 March 1910, Page 2

FUN WITH MR. TAFT.

HUMORS QF GRIDIRON BANQUET.

The Gridiron Club celebrated its 25th anniversary at Washington last month at a humorous banquet. Between the courses a score or more of the most dignified of the guests, who included President Taft, Mr. Knox, the Secretary of State, Mr. Wickersha-m, the Attorney-General, and some 200 senators,, diplomats, and men of art and letters, were singled out to undergo the well-known process of “gridironing.” No sooner had Mr. Knox taken his seat than a bell rang, and a figure resembling the Secretary of State appeared on the platform in shirt-sleeves and armed with a gun and a baseball bat—emblems of the new Pittsburg diplomacy. In a series of laughable incidents the virtues of Mr. Knox’s policy of ultimatums were illustrated, and every time an ultimatum was delivered by the counterfeit Secretary of State he emphasised it by striking the table violently with a bat. Suddenly a messenger came with a card “from a person named Root, who says that he has some soft soap and soft pedals for you.” Mr. Knox replied, after looking puzzled for a second, “Oli, vcs. I remember. He used to have my iob. Tell him to wait. I have no use for soft soap or soft pedals.” .

Then the bogus Mr. Knox dictated a letter to Mr. Whitelaw Reid, the Ambassador at St. James’s, concerning the latter’s letter to a British politician upholding the advantages of Protection. The letter ran: “Dear Reid, —The Protective policy is a Pittsburg asset. If I catch you letting the English in on this soft snap I >shall be compelled to recall you. — Youys lovingly, P. C. Knox.” ! After that ultimatums were delivered in quick succession! One was sent to China because the new Minister to Washington, who was present at the banquet, could not speak English. “How in thunder,” Mr. Knox’s imitator cabled to Pekin, “is my friend Henry C. Frick going to get a mortgage on your railways when I cannot find out from your Minister whether lie, plays golf?’’ ■ The announcement that two Americans had been arrested at Panama provoked a roar from the bogus .Ur. Knox.' “This is an outrage,” lie shouted. “Those men from Pittsburg must be released.” An ultimatum to Denmark Forbidding that country to receive any more Americans claiming to have readied the North Pole proved. when brought for signature, to be a big cracker which exploded and blew the entire department out of the room.

After that, a counterfeit Mr. Wickersliam pursued a member of the club into the banqueting ball, begging him to restore a stolen letter. The letter gave humorous instructions for the abolition of trusts. 'One passage read: “Tell J. P. Morgan that this Government looks with grave suspicion on his movement to buy the Paris flood and bring it over here for use in watering stocks. The Mississippi should be ample for this purpose. Moreover it is a home product.” Before the banquet Mr. Taft was treated to a chorus telling him what would happen when “Teddy, the Only One, returned from Elba.”