MARRIAGE OF THE INDEPENDENT WOMAN.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXIX, Issue 3377, 18 November 1911, Page 10

MARRIAGE OF THE INDEPENDENT WOMAN.

SOME PERPLEXITIES OF A MODERN WIFE.

It really is becoming yearly- more difficult to be happily married—that is, to .be happy and make one’s husband ■ happy (for one-sided liappiness is naturally out of the question in married life). ' ‘ . . Ini the past, one imagines, it must have been a more simple matter to be a model wife and 1 for a model wife to “make” a model husband,-but now! . . . . . . It is now only that women want to be independent, men want to be more independent, too. How many wives one used to find who complained that after a few years, or even months, of marired life they had lost all their individuality, because they had been expected to merge-them-selves into the personality of their husbands. Th© husbands had wanted them to give up all their ideals and ambitions, bo be interested only in their interests, and generally to become part and, parcel of themselves to such an extent . that they—the wives—soon lost their';; personality. . , The wives did not resent this too much, and rapidly grew used to their new state of mind. But matters ‘have changed of late. The modern, woman is as anxious to be independent and to assert herself, as the modern man - is keen on making a name for himself and to make Ids mark in the world. INDEPENDENT HOLIDAYS. -

And a considerable portion of matrimonial troubles arises from this state of affairs. A woman .may be a “marvel’ ’at housekeeping and be a devoted mother, and yet refuse to be an “economic slave.” . Intellectual sympathy between husband and! wife is becoming more and more indispensable to their common happiness. As for the love of independence, how is the modern wife to solve the problem of cultivating it and allowing her husband to do so too without endangering their happiness? Liberty is a twoedged tool, as everyone knows, and yet every human being would rather handle that tool at his—or her —own serious risks than do without it. At the beginning of the summer my husband one evening, quietly and in gentle tones, said : “I think I will spend the holidays with some friends, in my own way, I am sure yon will enjoy your holidays far more pleasantly if you are free to do as you please, to go where you choose, to meet the people you like, and enjoy the life, the sports, the pastimes you ©are for. “We will meet again at the end of the holidays, both refreshed and thoroughly satisfied with each other and with ourselves; we shall have a lot to tell one another; we shall be more than happy to be in each other’s company once more, and all will be for the best in the best of possible worlds.” A DIFFICULT DECISION.

I had been listening attentively, and my amazement had increased as my husband proceeded. We are profoundly devoted to one another, and until then I had found little difficulty in solving the little problems of married life which made their appearance at times. CRAVING FOR INDEPENDENCE. But now I was really nonplussed. My husband had spoken in most natural and kind tones, as if his. suggestion was a commonplace and obvious one. But we women are more conservative than most men, and although we are no doubt rapidly changing, wo still find it awkward sometimes to keep in touch with the rapidly changing state of mind of our ‘ ‘progressive’ ’ husbands. I wondered what to reply. Until then, my husband and I had never spent our holiday away from one another. DRIFTING APART. I felt at the same time sorry to part from him for several weeks at a stretch (although we often separate for an evening or even a week-end—lie has his clubs and his friends, and I have mine), yet I was delighted to see my craving for independence so easily satisfied. , , ~ I hesitated a great deal, nevertheless, before replying, but finally approved my husband’s suggestion. We wrote to each other regularly, at. first three times a week, and then twice, and towards the end of the holidays only once a week, and onr letters grew simultaneously shorter. They became, also, more intellectual, and, I may say, literary than sentimental or romantic. When we met again in London we were for a while ideally happy. I knew at once that liis devotion was as great as ever, and I am sure he must have realised that there was not the slightest alteration in my affection for him. We had both had a “good time,” and we knew it. . . . And yet something had conu between us, and our relations are not quite the same as before, although it would be impossible for me to (3iay exactly why or how. And this little problem of married life is only one among a hundred which I could quote. Perhaps in the beginning of our married life I was at fault. When my husband first began to wait upon me, giving up the easiest chair and. the most luxurious cushion to my fancied needs, presenting me every day with fresh flowers, bringing me home expensive sweets,’and always choosing the smooth, est way for me and the roughest for himself, I attempted to expostulate with him. •

DESTROYING A MAN’S IDEALS. At first he was wounded when I begged him not to wait upon me hand and foot, and declared it was not the man’s place to serve the women. The when I insisted that he should not turn out of the most comfortable chair if I entered the room, that he had no need always to escort me to every social entertainment, or to wait up for me if I came home late, he protested at first very strongly, and declared that he could never change his way. But' by degrees, and perhaps rather quicker than I had anticipated, .my husband left off , his charming little courtesies, and, to my amazement, one day I suddenly realised that I was absolutely destroying his own ideals of manly courtesy, and I was succeeding in making him almost brusque. VICTIMS OF MODERN NOTIONS.:

Besides, though I scarcely liked to confess it to myself my so-called selfreliance and independence was not only making him selfish, but were also_ causing me to become almost aggressive in asserting my own ideas, and were in a fair, way to destroy the happiness of our home.

We are both victims, of the new currents of thoughts, of the new notions about independence, of the evolution of the modern husband and the modern wife. This is a period of transition in marriage, ideas, and my husband and I are both suffering from its effects.’ When- matters are . adjusted a few years : hence, and. the hew notions a little riper husbands and wives will no doubt easily adapt themselves to the new state of things, hut meanwhile husbands and wives are perplexed.