WIT AND HUMOR.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXIX, Issue 3377, 18 November 1911, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

Peggy: Did your rather say that unless you mended your ways he wouldn’t leave you a cent?” Tom: “No; he said that unless I mended my A’ays he wouJdn’t have a cent to leave me.” “Well, we can get married new at any time. Papa says he has got enough spare cash to give me a nice wedding. ’ “Yes ;he won it from me at bridge last night, and now I haven’t enough for our wedding trip.” “You may break, you may shatter the vase if you will—” He paused and bent a severe look .upon his young wife. “But it is customary in our station of life,” he went on, “to leave that sort of thing to servants.” Mrs Thomson: _ “But, George, you surely don’t consider yourself a financier?” Mr. Thomson: “Certainly I do. How do you suppose I’ve kept you from paying your milliner’s bill for so long if I’m not a financier?” Pots and Posies. —Magistrate : Do you mean to say that all these injuries were caused by your husband throwing flowers at you ? —Witness: Yes; they were in pots, your worship!— “The Tatler.” The Customer: Are you certain your oysters are quite fresh?— The Fishmonger: 'Quite, marm; the shop ain’t been open more’n three weeks.—“ The Sketch.” Distracted Author (seeking peace in Sussex) : Mrs Hodge, what is this pandemonium?— Farmer’s Wife: Oh, they’re only puttin’ a tin roof on the ’en house, sir, an’, knowin’ you was a London gent, we thought the sound might remind you of ’ome? —“Punch.” A Financier.—Boss: There’s lOdol. gone from my cash drawer, Johnny; you and I were the only people who had the keys to that drawer.—Office Boy: Well, s’pose we each pay . sdol. and sav no more about it.—“ Philadelphia bulletin.” Feminine Figures.—“ Here’s the man of the hour.”— “Isn’t there ever a woman of the hour?” —“Yes; hut it takes her an hour and a half.”—“Chicago News.” His Reason. —Photographer: What makes you wear such a. •woebegone expression?—Subject:. My wife’s away. I want to send one to her.— “Puck.”' It can he Done. —“You make 30,000 marks a year as aviator ? And yet people say you can’t-’ live, on air.”— “T'liegende Blatter.”