WIT AND HUMOR.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXX, Issue 3434, 27 January 1912, Page 3

WIT AND HUMOR.

If a mart were as cheap as almost any woman can make him feel, no woman. could resist him merely as a bargain. '■ ' ' " , ■ Mrs Doyle: “How much did her husband, leave her when, he died ?”■ Mrs Hoyle: “One more evening a weeK than when he was alive.” “How does this noted healer, who cures his,. patients by touching them, differ front a regular physician?“ “Why, he touches them before lie cures them.” She: “You can’t ever accuse me °f helping yon to make a fool of myself.” He: “1 don’t know about that. You said yes when I asked yon to marry me.” , Billy: “Huh! I bet you didn’t have a goo : d time at your birthday party yesterday.” Willi©: bet I did.” B'ily- “Then why ain’t you sick today?” “The object of the average explorer seems to be to acquire enough material for a lecture.” “Yes; that is my wife’s aiuni when she explores my pockets.” - Teacher : “ITow many zones has the earth?” Pupil: Teacher; “Correct. Name them.” Pupil: “Temperate zone, intemperate, canal, horrid, and o.” Mrs Back Bay: “I shall want you to be dressed by 3 o’clock Ellen, to receive any friends that may call.” Ellen: “Oh;, lor, mum! Ain't v ou goin’ to be in?’’ “Are you interested in the recall?”' “Not yet,” replied the habitual candidate. “What lam interested in is a means of getting somewhere m the first place.” “Did that patient you were telling me aboiyb respond to your treatment ?” asked the doctor’s heighbor. “Not yet,” replied the physician. “I’ve sent him four bills already.” A married man who has promised before the wedding that his wife’s slightest wish shall be • law to- him should) pause for a while after the honeymoon to decide which of her wishes is the slightest. Father (impressively) : ‘ ‘Suppose I should be taken away suddenly, what would .become of you, my boy?” Irreverent son: “I’d stay here. The question is, what would become of you?” “A woman can be just as self-reli-ant and independent as a man,’’ said Mr. Meekton’s wife defiantly. “Mebbe she can, Henrietta ; mebbe she can. But not while she wears dresses that hook up the back.” Teacher (to class in geography): “Johnny, the Hudson River flows into New York Bay. That is its mouth. Now where is its source?” Johnny (after careful deliberation) : “At the other end, ma’am.” Miss Scribble: “The heroine of my next story is to 'be one of those modern advanced girls who have ideas of their own and. don’t want to get married.” The Colonel (politely): “Ah, indeed, I don’t think I ever met that typed’ A teacher was reading to her class and came across th© word “unaware.” She asked if any one knew its meaning. One small girl timidly raised her hand and gave the following definition : “ ‘Unware’ is what you take off last thing before you put your nightie on.” “Did the duchess’s affability embarrass you?” asked the friend of the family to the seedy journalist whom he had brought to stay from Saturday to Monday. “N°t at all/’ replied" the scribe, with an easy smile. “Before I took up literature I used to test refrigerators.” It was a dark morning, and Mr. Dorkins was groping around in the basement, when somebody suddenly flashed a dark lantern on him. Mechanically he threw up his hands. “I’m the gasmeter inspector,” exclaimed the intruder. Whereupon Mr. Dorkins held his hands up still higher.