FUN AND FANCY.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXX, Issue 3613, 28 August 1912, Page 7

FUN AND FANCY.

“I suppose you had , a,,. perfectly lovely time <nt the dinner party laso night ?” “No. Through some mistake they seated me next to my husband” Flora: “I wonder if he really loves mo? Why, he has only known me ten days.” Dora; "Then possibly ie does.”' “Js the lady of tlio house in?” askeel a caller. “The mistress is in,” replied the maid, who had xeeeived her notice, “but she’s no lady!” “What are you crying for?” “Teateacher licked me fo-for 1 something I did-didn’t do!” “Something you didn’t do! What was it?” “M-m-my lessons!” “I think I must have boon born unlucky ?” “What makes you say that?” “Well, for instance, I went tq a cricket match 01105;. There were twenty-two players on the field, two umpires, and 10,000 people looking on, and—the ball hit me!” “It’s hard on the people of Greenland to have nights six months long.” “Yes. Just think of the sufferings of "the poor man whose wife’s mother drops in to spend the evening.” - Old Lawyer: “Why do you feel that your client will lose his case ? Have you exhausted every means at your disposal to ——” Young Lawyer: “No; but I have exhausted aJI the means at h's disposal.”

“Come now, Heinma,” said the Whitechapel bridegroom, “you’re goin’ to s y ‘obey’ when you comes to it in th’ service, ain’t you?” “Wot, me?” cried the bride. “Me so’y ‘obey’to you! Why, ’Enncry, you ain’t ’arf 111 c size!” Vicar (conducting impromptu examination) .-“Now, tell 111 c, what are six and two?” Sammy Smart: “Eight, sir.” A’icar: “Quite right! And what are two and six?” Sammy: “’Arf-a-crown, sir.” Little Walter went to stay with bis auntie for a few days. On his arrival lie ran all over the house, and then returned to the sitting-room, and remarked meaningly: “Do you know, auntie, your pantry is so like ours that I nearly took a cake without being asked.” Auntie took the hint. Miss Gett-Thayer: “Do you know, Mr Slowboy, you remind me of the Venus do Milo.” Mr Slowboy : “But I’ve got arms.” Miss G.-T.: “Have you, really?” District Visitor (after reading letter from absent son): “And what will you do with the striped kimono your son says lie is sending home?” Rustic Mother: “No wonder you ask, missie! J suppose I’ll just have to keep it chained up in the backyard, or put it in one of the pig-sties; but what 1 shall feed it on, goodness only knows!” “Wbv, Bill, wot's up with yer ? ’Ad something wot don’t agree with yer ?” “Yus!” “Why don’t yer gel rid of it then?” “I can’t—l married it.” “I will save you a thousand pounds,” said an adventurer to a miser, “if you don’t stand in your own light.” “How, my dear fellow, how?” “You mean to give your daughter ten thousand pounds as a marriage portion?” “Yes, I do.” said the miser. “Well, sir, I will take her with nine.” N

Jock Bussell was a farm servant. One day, when Mrs Brown, the farmer’s wife, went into the nrilkhouse, she found Jock down on liis knees before a milk hoyne, skimming the cream off with his finger, _ and putting it in his mouth. “Oil, Jock, Jock!” she exclaimed, “I don’t like that!” “Ah, wumman.” replied Jock, “ye diinia ken what’s guid for ye.” Ethel: “Bella told me that you told her that secret I told you not to tell her.” Madge: “She’s a mean thing! 1 told her not to tell you.” Ethel: “Well, I told her I wouldn’t tell you she told me—so don’t tell her I did.” Benevolent Party: “Don’t you think fishing is a very cruel sport? Angler: “Cruel? Well, I should say so; I’ve sat here three days and not had a bite, been nearly eaten up by gnats and stung by two wasps, lost my pocket-knife in the river, and tho sun has taken all the skin off the back of my neck.” A -noted professor of music, a German, was supervising the work of an orclVestrd at rehearsal, and he became much annoyed with the conductor for his erratic use of the baton. Stopping tho hand, he said to. the culprit: — “Maistairc Jones, you would make a beautiful conductor —for zee omnibus; you vas always behind.” 11l duo time the women came into authority and power m the courts, and the first culprit haled before them for punishment was a man who had spent his life advocating dresS-reform for tho fair SCx '“Wretch that you are!” decreed, the stern lady who presided on tho bench, “the decision of the court is that for the. term of your natural life you shall be permitted to wear none but blouses that button up the back — and that you be compelled to button them yourself.”