Mr and Mrs Bowser.

Gisborne Standard and Cook County Gazette, Volume II, Issue 259, 12 February 1889, Page 4

Mr and Mrs Bowser.

I have, said Mrs Bowser, carefully preserved, arranged, and filed all of Mr Bowser’s love letters, and I advise every bride to do the same. I really don’t know how I should get along with Mr Bowser if I did not have this leverage on him. Like all other husbands he has his sudden fits and his hours of forgetfulness. He wanted a pair of pincers to use for something, and because they were not right at hand he made a gesture of despair and exclaimed:

Oh, of course! I must get used to it, I suppose' Such a housekeeper as you are, Mrs Bowser! Here they are. You left them on the lounge yourself last night. Lay it to me, of course! What’s that young ’un bellering about now ? He fell down. Doesn’t he know enough to stand up ? Did the wood come up ? No. It didn’t? I ordered it the first thing this morning' This is the worst* run house in town ! Do I run the wood-yards ? But why didn’t you tell me it hadn’t come up ? It’s a wonder the girl hasn’t left to climax our troubles.

She went an hour ago ! Mr Bowser sat down and looked at me for a long time. Then he sighed deeply, and said: Well, I suppose I must stand it, but it’s hard—very hard. This is what comes of marrying a girl who has been brought up on lollies and novels. • I went upstairs and brought down the package of letters. Selected one marked—“ Exhibit A, filed 10th September, 1884,” I began to read : "My Angel One,—l send you another box of sweeties, and five of the latest novels, and I hope you will thoroughly enjoy them. You were lamenting the fact that you knew so little of housework. lam glad of it. Angels are not expected to fry chops and wash dishes. You shall have a dozen housekeepers when we are married, and you shall never know a household care, ”

That’s a base forgery ! shouted Mr Bowser as I finished reading. Oh, no, it isn’t. I expected the day would come when you would say so, and so I prepared for it. Sec here : My mother attests it as a witness. Well, if I wrote it, I must have been asleep. And only the other day, Mr Bowser, when I got a new dress home, you said I hadn’t any more taste than a cow, and that my idea of harmony would atop a clock. Yes, and I meant it. You were always that way. Waal?’

I selected a letter marked—“ Exhibit A—2—filed 18th September, 1884,” and read :— “My Beautiful—The picture of my dear one as she appeared to me last night has been with me all day.. Ye have the taste of a queen in your toilet, and harmony is second nature with you. Oh my little angel, you—”

I, wrote that, did I ? sternly demanded Mr Bowser. Of course.

Never! The man who says I was ever fool enough to write such stuff must die! It was duly attested, Mr Bowser, and you can’t deny your writing. I havn’t changed a bit in my tastes since our marriage. Indeed, I think I have improved. There goes'that young ’un again ! He isn’t happy unless he is belleriug like a calf mired in a ditch ! But see here, Mr Bowser.

And I selected a telegram marked : “Exhibit B—l —original.’’ and attested by father, mother, and nurse, and read .- —

“Auckland, November 20, 1887—My Darling : Thank God for the news of the birth of our eon I My heart swells with love and gratitude. It is our bond of love. Heaven has surely blest us. Again, thank God. Will be home Friday’s boat. Bowser. ” I never sent it! shouted Bowser.

Yes, you did ! Here is proof to convict you. - There isn’t a mention about “ calf ” in this, and as for “ bellering ” you never dreamed of it. Oh, well, have it your own way. You’d have the last word if I was dying. Some wives are built that way. If I was like some husbands I’d assert my authority. But you are not, Mr Bowser, as this will prove. . And I selected a letter marked “ Exhibit C—1 —originated and attested,” and read:—

“My Dearest Lovey—ln reference to our conversation last night, I wish to say that I have always held and always shall hold that husband and wife should be equal in authority. Neither has the right to dictate to the other, though if either had that right I would give it to you. We shall never have a word of dispute— not one. If therj is any * bossing ’ you may do it. " And do you dare charge me with writing such stuff as that ? gasped Mr Bowser. I do. Here is the proof, and vou can’t wriggle out of it. I wrote “ dearest lovey,” did I ? You did. Indeed, Mr Bowser, you were far gone about those days. I was, eh ? Well, you can’t make me believe I ever wrote such infernal bosh as that! You’ll next charge me with writing you up in verse. You even did that, sir. Just wait. I selected a letter marked : “Ex hibit C—l—very choice,” and read ; The twilight cometh softly down, As sinks the sun away, And little children go to bed, AU weary: with their play. Where is my love this glorious eve ? Where doth her proud foot rest ’ And where that head of golden hair Which I shall ever bless ’ And you say I wrote that! whispered Mr Bowser. You did. It’s a beautiful thing, too. I can see those little children going to bed. You spoke of my “ hoofs ” the other day, and you had a joke about red-head! Only four years ago it was my “„proud foot” and my “golden head.” He was silent. Do you want any more, Mr Bowser ? I asked. He replied;—

” Mrs Bowser ; I don’t say that you are not as good as the average wife, bat I do say that you have a mighty mean streak in your composition. It may be possible that while I lay burning with fever, or while suffering a

Why, Mr Bowser, do you deny your own hand writing ?

I hav’n't seen the writing and don’t want to. Don’t threaten me Mrs Bowser, I can be coaxed, but not driven. Cases have been known where husbands walked [out and .never returned.

But that was only his way of wriggling out of it. The next day he sent me up a new dress, took baby for a long walk, and at present is the most docile husband in the place.