THE STANDARD TELEPHONE

Gisborne Standard and Cook County Gazette, Volume IV, Issue 535, 22 November 1890, Page 2

THE STANDARD TELEPHONE

Ting—a—li <0 ! Are you there, Standard ? Aye, you’re turning tho tables on ua—what do you want ? Who are you ? Sharp, now ! Te Arai settler—want to aek a queatioii— A “ settler,” too, it seems, since you’re making such a fuss about it. Lead off I Well, it’s thia way ; the skipper says that if there’s a land tax us small farmers would be made to bear all the burden, and you town chips would get off. Did he really ?—I didn’t think the Cant‘iin would try to m-glead people that way. Why, there would be a £2OOO exemption for improvements, and a certain portion cf land. Then I only wish I were beyond the examtif)n ; I’d fork ou r like a Bd»on. N<»t so fast, please ; aa things go, the more industrious you are the more you wiil hive to pav. But let me give un ihus'rarion of th? land tax—you chaps would hardly feel it, but ask Captain Ruaaell how it would be with 100 000 acre?. Yea, that would come mighty at iff unices good value was got out of tho land — Precisely, and plenty of labor employed, giving you small fellows an occasional j ib when you are not busy with your own place. That would be useful. Now, I’ll tell you what the Captain advised you to do. Ob, I heard him—very good advice it was, that we should settle on the land and make homes for ourpQ’vt a. Very good advice, but when you look into it you may not think so. Ho advises you fellows who can work hard, but have not much capital, to go away up to the Moto, ’here to toil away for years before you can expect any return, having to put with bad road?, broken Government pledges, and all Rorta of things, and then.to have tin property tax fiend jumping down upon you, while your lazy neighbor keeps within the exemption. It is rather hard, but of course we would know that before we went ou to it, fio I would hope, but you also know this, that the man who thus advises you to skeddadle tn the back blocks, without your having the ammunition to purchase a bullock drav. has already got possession of hundreds of fertile acres, with railways and towns in proximity. Mr Arthur has'taken care to be close to tha seaboard himself. I see through R now—l can’t say I’m sorry for troubling you, and I thank you for opening my eyes. You’re welcome—only duty, dear boy--ring me up some day when I have more time for a chat, and I might toll you something about that Globo Company, Good afternoon ! Good bye, I won’t forget. Ma AhiHUR, please ’ Rtandard again, eh ? Yes, I hke having a talk with you, because you have gnt such a tall opinion of yourself—you crack up tho Government sky-high, but still reserve the right bf turning a somersault if you happen to get bilious and change your mind. There’? nothing like being a trifle aristocratic, What did you think of the speech? Did it take well ? In the corner it did—so well in fact that I thought there was a Peaceful tone about it and that What’s on— Steady ! Don’t let out on a chap, Tu», tut; even the ladies in the gallery flaw it. I don’t like quoting Scripture—— You moan Luk—— No, I don’t; I was just going to ring in that beautiful passage of Peace I Peace 1 Be still! Ha I ha! the devil can quote— Thon btup before you begin. But joking aside, did I epcak well ?—a fair, honest opinion. Well, you locked very funny ; you put the marmalade on Russell with a deft hand, only the sluff wan rather sour, whtn people knew what they did know about ills Captain’s reason for coming. Wouldn’t ha just liku to knock a good rnan Hue Willie Kelly out of the Opposition ranks? He would so, and wo’ll make a hard bang to do it. What did you think of the way 1 spoke ? Alwavs talking about yourself, h’s hard to explain, but let me suppose you were reciting “ Mary had a little lamb.”—Thia would ba about your style. Haw—Mawry hod ah lit-til lahmb—aw It’s—aw—fleece waswhhe-ab ’ti snow-aw, Haw—and everywhere—— ! Don’t get insulting ! I bpg your pardon, I couldn't help it—a few words as to your speech. It seemed to bo a cafe of I! 11 I ! come along this way— And put io Arthur on election day ! Ye?, in a state of blue-black exasperation, worse than you were when you couldn‘t get a solitary soul out of 100 people to second a vote of confidence, and even an opponent had to propose thanks. I said I didn'i want confidence. Aye, like the fox and the grapes, when you couldn’t get it! Why that long, painful “ilence, without even a response from the corner man, though vigorouFy called upon by the gods? Tha trinity had not oven the court* sy to hold out for thanks. It looked a bit thin, 1 admi f . The trinity? Plump, by jove ! plumb 1 And then you made the finishing blunder of smoothing tho Mayor's back with some of the sour marmalade, and calling him “ MY Chairman ” ’ Ha I ha !ha ! M Y C H Great CtL'jar ! ll >w quickly you do trip up a chap I Even Chappie Russell couldn't fire off a Bai J.iVe for iho edification of the ladies without you rollicking scamps getting it off parrot ftshion, and passing it off as a toffism of toffyism. Anyway I patted them down nicely about Rees? The fact is you made matters worse; you admitted everything, cast a clight upon the audience by explaining what their intelligence should have enabled them to understand, and having the cheek to exalt your<-cl( by buttering Rees, If you always introduce yourself rhat way to strangers I would advise you to chrin youself to the whitewashed walls of your committee room. You made one good point, of confessing the thing sti&lght. They made a howl at the start, but I soon sweetened them by praising up Red", If you had attempted a denial you would have had the Standard pouncing upon you with heaps of documentary evidence procured from Tauranga and Opotiki. Oil, I ha<l the little hint in lime, Our chat has lasted longer than 1 thought, and we must coutiuue in the next chapter, Tell us about tho addrm first-you muat praise it, Well, here goes for a summary—4, A. O. Arthur, think it much nicer to deal with tho divlJh I know than those 1 don't, I think all Moneybags who think of no comfort are happy men. I ask you to vole for tho Government not for me, and then IB! support them if I like. 1 would put blocks of land in the market, giving subt'e speculators the first show, and let'ing thp sober young New Zealanders fatten the speculators by setting to work on the nfise. Richardson said he had th * same idea ! —Then salt him.—l would let the grabbers fleece tha natives, and make- the State s'and the lawyers’ bill, Lawyers are scoundrels ; some of them are njy personal friends. I don't Hke ths property tax; 1 like no tax, Dearly beloved Brethren [fill in Mr Parson Squatter's sermon on union’tm- as he would like it.] I'd tiddlywink with education, but deny justice to Oa'.hulics. I'll uwear that the Government made the country prosper, that Atkinson incresiJtid the price of wool, started the frozen .meat industry t made flax, cheese, and butler sell at Hum**; retrenched with die bayonet held over bim, taxed the young New Zealanders until they became sober-I'll swear anything if you'll only elect me. I will try and gut an ornament in the shape of a gaol, so that we fill it end sell lea and eugav for tfie prisoners, DU help on a scramble for endowments of the people's land, no tnat New Zealand can outlet to its shores or breed up a race of lazy impostor?. Dll—— I’ ! I —— !I ! »II — I I thought I'd put the set on him before the capital I’h ran out. Adieu ! To-morrow’s Services. Church of Englaiiff country service. ■ - Ormond 11, W*ernng»-a bika 3 (Children's Service), Te Arai 3, Makaraka 7 (Holy Communion). Weeleyan services Gisborne 11 and 7, Makaraka 2, Rev. Dr Warrou ; Patutahi 3 30, Mr Uoldsmiih. Morning suijoec, "Tbo Outistlan foundation " ; [evening, Hermon to young in**'