BREAKFAST TABLE FUN.

Gisborne Standard and Cook County Gazette, Volume V, Issue 653, 29 August 1891, Page 4

BREAKFAST TABLE FUN.

A gentleman was boasting that his parrot would repeat anything he told him. For example, he told him several times, before some friends, to say ‘Uncle,’but the parrot would not repeat it. In anger he seized the bird, and twisting his neck, said, ‘ Say Uncle, you beggar,’ and threw him into a fowlpen iu which he had ten prize fowls. Shortly afterwards, thinking perhaps he had killed the parrot, he went to the pen. To his surprise he saw nine of the fowls dead on the floor, with their necks wrung, and the parrot standing on the tenth, twisting his neck and screaming, ‘ Say Uncle, you beggar.’ A Scotchman, who wanted to light his pipe, accosted a countryman, who was ploughing, with: ‘ Hae ye got a licht, Tonal ?’ ‘ Hi, Tugal, but it’s oot.’ ‘ Self Evident.—l always shave myself,’ said Bjenkins, prowdly. Bjones looked at him quizzically. ‘Do you find it necessary to tell people so ?’ he said. ‘Ah, my little boy,’ said the condescending gentleman, ‘ and what might your age be ?’ ‘lt might be goin’ on 40,’ returned the polite little boy, ‘ but it ain’t.’ Snorkins (after paying his grocer)— ‘ Now, don’t be so awfully obsequious, you have only got your right. ’ The grocer—' Yes ; but I thought I would be ‘ left.’ ’ A Fair Warning.—The Sweet Girl —I wish you wouldn’t go to the races with papa, George.’ Her devoted—- ‘ Why not?' The Sweet Girl—‘ lam afraid he is not a proper person for you to associate with.’ Unnecessary force.— Friend — J What are you going to do with this immense revolver ?’ Dolly Simple—--1 I’m tired of life, me deah fellah, and I'm going to blow mo bwains out.’ Friend—' Pshaw ! Why don't you take a pinch of snuff and, sneeze P When Lord Thurlow first spened a lawyer's office in London, he took a basement room, which bad previously been occupied by a cobbler. He was somewhat annoyed by the previous occupant’s callers, and irritated by the fact that he had few of his own. One day an Irishman entered. 1 The cobbler’s gone, I see,’ he said. ‘I should think he had,’ tartly responded the lawyer. 1 And what do you sell ?’ enquired the Irishman, looking at the solitary table and a few law books. ‘ Blockheads,' responded Thurlow. * Begorra,' said Pat, ‘ ye must be doing a mighty fine business—ye hain’t got but one left.’ He : Give me just one kiss, and I shall never ask you for another. She : Under those conditions, I must refuse it. She : And you really love me ? He 1 Yes, my angel. She : Oh, but I can’t marry you. I feel certain I couldn’t make you happy. Ho: Oh, but, dear, I’m of the most contented disposition. You don’t know how easily pleased I am. Bagley (to newly-imported servant) : You never saw a lobster before, did you, Bridget ? Bridget: Shure an’ Oi’ve seen hundreds av the red things shwimmin’ in the creeks av the old country. Bagley : But lobsters are green, Bridget, before they are put in boiling water. Bridget (not to be put down) i Shure an' there's boilin’ springs roight in the creeks, sor. You know I met you in the postoffice the other day ? he queried, Yes. And you introduced me to a friend of yours ? Yes. Well, I hadn’t known him ten minutes when he wanted to borrow £5 of me. Of course I That’s why I introduced him. ‘ I never could understand my wife when I was courting her.’ ‘No ?’ ‘No ; she was a perfect riddle to me.’ ‘ Do you understand her now ?’ ‘ You bet I do. She makes me.’ * I know the man who has started the impression that I’m an idiot, and I’m going to kill him 1’ roared Chappie. ‘ Don’t. Suicide is so vulgar,’ said Cysunio. Roadside Bill (handing back tie pie) : Madam, will you kindly change this for a piece of soap ? Mrs Newhouse : Certainly, but you can have the pie too. Roadside Billl:JDon’t’’need it. I wanted to get the taste of that one mouthful out. Visitor (viewing the new baby) i Do you think he is going to resemble his father ? Mother • I shouldn't be surprised j he keeps me up every night. Aminadab Jawker : Hi, Bill! d’ye see that chap with the Inverness cape ? Bill Goggles i Pardon me ; I never see anything in business hours.