MISCELLANEOUS.

Inangahua Times, Volume VII, Issue 1088, 17 May 1882, Page 2

MISCELLANEOUS.

* A delicious piece of bamboozlement (says Chambers' Journal) Avas served up to the readers of a provincial paper the other day, due in all probability to some Avag of a sub-editor. The preA'ious evening, the reporter for the paper had to attend a meeting at a Wesleyan Chapel, for the conversion of the Jcavs to Christianity ; after which he reported an address giA*en to a local Society on the Conversion of SeAvage into Lime and Cement In the compositor's hands the manuscript got mixed up, and the printed report read as follows: "The chairman, after the meeting had been opened Avith prayer, explained that the conversion of the Jews was one of the greatest works that could engage the attention of our sanitary authorities. Filtration was the most perfect method that could be adopted for purification; but a filter had its limits. There was a popular notion that the seAvage contained a vast amount of Avealth ; but the sludge must be taken out of it for purposes of irrigation, as it otherwise choked the pores of the land ; and they were a wandering race, spread over the Avhole face of the habitable globe. They Avere denied the inestimable blessings of Christianity, which might be counted by thousands of tons per year being allowed to run to Avaste, when, by a judicious admixture of lime and clay, the benighted Hebrews avlio sat in the darkness might easily be conA-erted into lime aud cement for building purposes : and if thus deodorised, after being first dried and burned in a kiln, this ancient race avouUl once more take its proud position among the nations of the Avorld. Subscriptions avciv earnestly solicited for the purpose, though he — the speaker — di: claimed any idea of making a profit out of the process ; and, in conclusion, he urged increasing effort!-* in the good Avnrk, shoAving that thus deodorised, by a very novel process of evangelisation, in largo tanks constructed for the purpose, the grateful Hebrews might flow over the laud

without injury to vegetation ; Avhile the expense of com orsion, which was progressing as rapidly as the best friends of Christianity could wish, Avould be more than repaid by the sale of the phosphate, of lime and valuable cement for building purposes." The appointment of Prince Leopold to a Colonelship in the British army, which gave rise to much polite sneering at Home, was due, according to a society paper, to the necessity for his being married in a becomming uniform. The Peers' roiies or tho Trinity House uniform, it seems, are hardly suitable for the occasion and for a Prince to lie married in plain clothes would be an innovation which would horrify the rigid purists of the English Court. The approximate numlier of public conveyances licensed in Melliournc is 1000 Avaggoncttes, 20 Alliert cars, 100 hansoms, and 160 omnibuses. These A*ehicles give employment to about 1 700 licensed drivers, so that the cabmen of Melbourne form an appreciable item in the community. The Victorian Go%"ernment have reduced the postage on letters toa penny per half-ounce within the colony, and a half-penny for newspapers to all the colonies, $*A* . -.AA John Bright in a recent speech, urged that school children should be taught self-respect, respect to their playmates, respect to their parents, kindness to animals, and love of truth, a love of industry, and an idea of what is meant by prudence. A peculiar story is told by a country paper about two men who recently went to work on the Gatlin's River railway Avorks. A carpenter was erecting bunks in their tent when he saw some suspicious tools. He called in the others and search being made in the men's swags three dark lanterns were found which would show varously colored lights, also three revolvers, and nearly 60 keys. The men were threatened to be given in charge, and cleared out 4 Now, then Mr Cashmere*, are you cA*er going to get those trousers done ?" exclaimed a promising youth on hurriedly entering the establisment of his favourite tailor. 4 They'll be done tomorrow, sir.' replied the tailor, quietly That's what you said yesterday.' Exactly.' Well, isn't this to-morrow, Certainly not. Well, wasn't to-day to-morrow yesterday. 4lt was ; but it isn't to-morrow to-day,' Well, when in creation will to-morrow be, then. Don't you know, sir. 4 Na' Do you remember the last suit I made you. 4 Yes,' 4 You will remember that when I called for my money you always, said you would pay to-morroAv. I discovered then to-morrow never comes. Do you understand The youth sought the street, and by the gentle slam he gaA*e the shop door, it was quite evident that he did. A while ago Truth, Mr Labouchere's Aveekly magazine said the Marquis of Lome and the Princess did not get along very well together. Truth further said that the Marquis cabled his regards to Louise on the occasion of her birthday recently, and asked the folks at Windsor Castle to forward his; regards to her, as he was not kept posted on her moAeinents. The Whitehall Review judges Truth to be a liar. In the numlx-r just out the Review says : —"The editor of the Truth, who published as vile a farrago of ribald slander against Princess Louise as ever was penned in his history of journalism, is not only Avholly unworthy of the name of v gentleman, but, inasmuch as his publication Avas a foul lie, is wholly worthy of the title brute ; and not only that, but inasmuch as the Princess could not descend to an arena where he could be fitly punished, he who has stuck a Avomau knowing her to have no legal means of defence, is and must ever be known among men as a contemptible coward." If journalism can l>eat that it will have to brush up adjectives. Meanwhile, Lome and Louise are going round the country as if they Avere on their wedding tour. His Lordship not only seems glad he is married, but he gives British spinsters advice how to got into a similar state. Open-air religion and municipal business in Dunedin appear not unlikely to clash. The Times reports that at a service in the Octagon the principal part of the singing was conducted upon the Town Hall steps, tlie consequence being that the swelling choruses were borne upwards into tlie Council Chamber, where our municipal fathers sat in solemn debate, with such distinctness that his Worship despatched an emissary to close the lower doors. Then arose a storm. Cr, Barnes got to liis feet in indignant protest The proceedings of that body Avere supposed to be conducted in the broad light of day, and here they Avere sitting with closed doors like a secret society. He would most certainly move that the doors be thrown open, and would wish to be informed "what those people were doing down there." Against such public-spirited fervour no opposition could lie made. The doors Avere once more opened, and sacred melodies mingled with the recommendations of the Water Supply Committee.