WIT AND HUMOUR.

Lake Wakatip Mail, Issue 2128, 23 October 1896, Page 4

WIT AND HUMOUR.

"Do you love me?" she asked, fondly. "Dearly," replied he. "Would you like to (lie for me?" "No, my precious one. Mine is an undying love." She had to make "the best of this. Chance for a Rest.—Collector. This account must be settled, Mr Shorts. It has been running a long time. Shorts: Well, let it stand awhile. Conclusive.—"Yes," she confessed, with some Hesitation, "I have an income sufficient to support one." "Well," he argued, timidly taking her hand, "won't we bo one when wc are married?" A LITTLE ONE. Though "one and one ere one," 'tis said. When he and she do marry. The paradox soon rights itself— Eere long there's one lo carry. Seaside Intrigues.—Mrs Mamma: "If Lord Forgivus asks you to marry him, you tell him to speak to me." Ethel : "Yes. mamma: but if he doesn't?" Mrs Mamma: "Thru tell him that I want to speak t> him." The Proverb Works Both Ways Twynn: Stingyman is wealthy, but he is no fool. Triplett: No fool, eh? Twynn : Not i!" a fool and his money are soon parted. CotiVtr.'t ftand It.—Thi." is a genuine com; lair. 1 from the native manager of an ice-factory in India to a lady who was in the habit of sending an ancient and talkative female to fetch the daily supply of ice for her household:—"Honored Madam,—Send no more to tis this your hand-maiden of ice, for she is a garrulous female, and we can no longer tolerate her cheeks." A SUMMER WISH. Oh, would that I could flee from trade, To where broooks babble down the glade; And there sweet Mabel might pursue, And she. dear girl, would babble too. A Queen's Elrthday Incident.—(Her "Ladyship" was receiving the congratulations ef a domestic). "Oh, mum, I'm so glad you're a real lady now." "Well. Maria, T hope I have always been a lady." "Well, yes, mum; but nobody could ever call you it before." WHETHER THERE'S WEATHER OR NOT. Whether it's wet, Whether it's hot, We have to weather it, Whether or not. A Puzzler.—A domestic, newly engaged, presented to his master one morning a pair of boots, the leg of one of which was much longer than the other. "How comes it that these boots are not of the same length?" "I raly don't know, sir; but what bothers me the most is that the paid down stairs are in the same fix." IN THE MOONLIGHT. She smiled at me as she swiftly passed, Over the handle-bar; That runny smile was the maiden's last, river the handle-bar; She cannoned hard on a cobble-stone, She took a header she couldn't postpone Hor twinkling heels in the moonlight shone Over the handle-bar. EXPLAINED. Why doth the busy little bee Each shining hour employ To gather honey that not he Mill others will enjoy? The reason certainly is plain— Willi such sweet occupation, No !,.•<■ I,as taken time to gain A In:: in.-.s education. THE DIFFERENCE. I 'pun 1 sultry afternoon. Win n hi 1 -.-ilhlesH Nature seemed to mvooii, Ami i<|| i|,,. ivoild was out of tune, lie M.'ild In her , "I love you." "Vi.u H111,!.| Ihij," the maid replied, "I "<iiid 11..1 he.i vmi if I tried; How < an y.,11 K „y H ,„,}, things ?" she Milled "Willi Mi/log mil, above you?" That very up hi Hie wind was low. The niowii wiib blight, and to and fro The liammoek swung; full softand low. He whispered. "Dear, f love you." His hands held here in Hweet duress, While soft her voice ax a caress; "It make*- a difference dear, I guess, When the moon is up above you." HE WAS HEMMED IN. Some people are never at a loss for an answer, and the colored valet who got oft

the following is a good exponent of that class It seems he was a lazy «*«*«* his master one day remonstrated *ith him about his neglect of duty. "But, massa, I's am not equal to de earth is the troubles me a powerful lot, and I's not SX to do™ much as I nab been dom . ." A *£/UnTdo ? e riuch^\hin n g t a d ra stitch in your Si »T>e'oder dav, sah. You see, I wuz * L hv a crowd."—American hemmed m bj a cruwu. paper.

LAMENT FROM THE CRADLE. Up from the cradle came a wad, At first a pensive coo; Into a weird, vociferous wail Of mournfulness it grew. His sorrow, in a vein prolix, He struggled to reveal, *My father's talking politics, And mother rides a wheel. "They say I'm cross. I m simpr* saa At being slighted so. I wish the baby carriage .ad Could somehow get a show. How can you blame one in my iix, For setting up a squeal. My father's talking politics. * And mother rides a wheel.

HIS FIRST LOVE. "Dearest" cooed the sweet girl, "you have told me so often that I am your first love! But should fate ever part w, promise me you'll never show my letters to your next " ~ „,„ "How can you speak so. darling! broke in the noble youth. "You knovi, I'd never show them. Why. have I ever shown yon the letters written me by—Here the youth suddenly paused. Ann the chilling silence could be heard reigning on fee tin roof outside. A FELLOW FEELING Come forth, 0 birds, Upon the tree. And warble s^nrs Of spring to me ! And yet to sadness You inclineTour notes ?re due, And so are mine. EPIGRAM TO ANITA. I tried xo chime a fitting rhyme With your sweet name. Anitn. But not a sound a hearing found But ''sweeter," "sweeter," "sweeter." Now this, you know, as technics ge. Is not of rhymes the neatest, Besides, for you it wouldn't doNo, nothing less than "sweetest." CLOTH TO SPARE. "I thought your father refused to buy you any bloomers?" " "He did." "Or even any cloth from which to make them?" "He did." "But you have a pair." "I made them out of one of the sleeves of an old gown." WOMAN'S SPHERE. They talk about a woman's sphere As though it had a limit. There's not a place on sea or shore, There's not an office, shop, or store, There's not a spot beneath the sun Where's aught worth while is being done Without a woman in it. HIS METHOD OF CHARGING. "Twa dollars for pullin' a tooth! Mon, mon! an' it didna tak' you twa meenits by the clock." "1 know; but T don't work by the clock. I work by how long it feels." "Ou, ay! Then ye must be chargin' for aboot twa days!" A WHOLESOME REPROOF. Honest, burly, bearlike, and sometimes unbearable, Dr. Johnson never administered a more wholesome reproof than in the case of a young man who posed as a scholar, and was continually thrusting his affectation of learning upon others. At the whist table one evening he deliberately interrupted the old doctor with the question: 'Tray, my learned Dr. Johnson, is the cat oviparous or viviparous?" "Young man," thundered the doctor, go rnd i>ad your natural history, and don't annoy other people with the question whether a cat lays eggs or not." HER DISTINCTION. Iv'e found out where she draws the line, Of proof I have no lack; She does so just above her eyes, To make her eyebrows black. AN UNFORTUNATE DECAPITATION. They have so no queer stone-cutter? down in Maine. Deacon Hackett lost his second wife lately—a scrawny and shrewdish woman—whose loss was no unmixed sorrow. Still, the deacon dutifully decided to give her a monument. Being rather "near," he haggled with the village stone-cutter as to the size of the slab, and finally chose a very narrow one at a bargain. The inscrption was to be as follows:—"Sarah Hackett. 'Lord, she was Thine!' " But the stone was so narrow that there was no room for the last letter, so the stone-cutter left it out, with this result:—"Sarah Hackett. 'Lord, she was thin.' " EUCHRED. In Cupid's game, though hearts are always trumps, The fair oft do not smile upon the brave, For many a player's thrown into the dumps, Finding his queen is captured by a knave. THE DARKEY IS FOND OF LONG WORDS. The darkey is fond of long words. The meaning doesn't matter, so the words are long, as this absolutely true story will testify:— On the M 's plantation in Mississippi lives an old "before the war" darkey, too old to do any work hard' r than throwing feed to the oultry. She has known no other home, and is a character. Visitors to the plantation always go to her cabin, and to their question, "How are you this morning, Aunt Chris?" never fail to receive the following reply:— "Well, honey, I'm kinder onoomplJcated. De superfluity ob de mornin' done taken de vivosity outen lie air and left me de consequence ob comprehension."