SEASONABLE CRACKERS

Manawatu Standard, Volume LIII, Issue 14, 14 December 1932, Page 14

SEASONABLE CRACKERS

Old Lady: Why do you ask for money? To buy food? Tramp: “No, ma’am. I want to get my photo taken as a Christmas present. * * * She: “I am so worried about the Christmas present I sent to Aunt Matilda. It only cost _2s 6d, and I’m afraid I left the price mark on it.” Ho: “I’m worried, too. I got one for my uncle that cost £lO, and I’m afraid I didn’t leave the price mark on it.” „ * * * * Grocer: “Well, little one, what can I do for you?” Jenny: “Please, sir, mamma says will you change a pound for her, an’ she’ll give you note to-morrow.” “I wish I were an ostrich,” said Hicks, angrily, as he tried to eat one of his wife’s mince pies and couldn't—“l wish you were,” returned Mrs Hicks. “I’d get a few feathers for my hat.” * * * Prisoner: “Your AVorship, must 1 be tried by a woman jury?” Judge: “Yes; be quiet.” “I won’t bo quiet! Your AVorship, I can’t even fool my own wife, let alone twelve strange women. I’m guilty.” • ■ ■ * * * Little Harry: “Nurse, do drop the baby.” Nurse: “AVhatever for? AVliat do you mean?” Little Harry: “Well, they all say lie is such a bouncing boy. Let’s see l£im bounce.” • * * “AVas your husband lucky during the last football match?” “Yes.” answered young Mrs Torkins; “lie sprained his ankle and couldn’t attend.”

They married at the beginning of December, and the 25th was approaching. "You know, little wife,” he said, one evening, “wo mustn’t have any secrets from each other, must we, sweet one?” “No, darling,” she whispered. “Therefore.” he continued, “I wnnt you to tell mo how much you intend spending on a Christmas present for me, so that I can calculate how much money I shall have left to buy one for you.” i * * * Convict: “Yes, lady, I always make it a point never to rob a house on Christmas Eve.” The Philanthropist: “That fact does you credit.” Convict: “Thanks, lady. You see, it’s always best to wait till Christmas night. By that time they’ve got the presents al unpacked an’ lyin’ about loose, so yer can make a better choice.” * * • A witty individual one Christmas morning vare,*,'. that he would ask the same question of firty different persons and receive the same answer from each. The wit went to first one and then to another, until lie had reached the number of fifty. And this is how he won the bet. He whispered half audibly to each: “I say, have you heard that Smith has failed?” “AVhat Smith?” queried the whole fifty, one after another; and it was decided that the bet had been fairly won. * • * "Merry Christmas, sir, an’ many of ’em,” said a man whose whole appearance marked him as a member of a class which toils not, neither does it wash, touching the brim of a greasy hat to a city gentleman. “Same to you,” returned the gentleman passing on. "Beg pardon, sir,” said the tramp, detaining him by a sleeve; “ ’scuse the liberty, but can I ’ave my Christmas box now, instead of callin’ for it on Boxin’ day?” “Christmas box!” exclaimed the gentleman in astonishment. “AYhy, I never saw you before! AA r hy should I give you a Christmas box?” “For my cheek!” was the reply. He got it—a swinger on the left ear. * • * Every year, at Cliristmastido, a clergyman was invited by a farmer to a day’s rabbit shooting. Ho was a poor shot, and rarely hit a rabbit. Last Christmas, bang went two barrels in quick succession, but once again bunny escaped with a whole skin. “Did I hit him, Farmer?” asked in an excited whisper. “AVeel,” said the yeoman thoughtfully, “I couldn’t say ’zactly as you ’it ’im, but I must say I nivver seed a rabbit wuss scared. Ye’re improved vastly sin’ last year; sir, an’ if ye keeps on improvin’ and comes agin next year—why, summat’ll happen to that rabbit!” * * « A jovial innkeeper dressed himself as Father Christmas. An enormous pork pie graced the bar counter, and customers were invited to help themselves. On Christmas Ev© a stranger walked in, 6at down, and cut a huge slice of pie. Half an hour later the man was eating as ravenously as ever. The landlord could stand it no longer. “You’ll excuse me, sir,” he remarked, tapping him on the shoulder, “but I don’t remember your face. You’re not a customer.” “Pardon me,” was the polite response, as the stranger munched a mouthful of pie, “I was here last Christmas Eve, and if all goes well I shall be here next Christmas.” * * * Entering a public-house a Scot read the invitation: "Join our Christmas club. Pay what you like and have what you like.” Ho joined, received a card, and paid a penny into the club. A r isiting the club on Christmas Eve, he asked for a bottle of whisky. There followed a long and heated argument, into which a policeman was called. The policeman told the publican he would have to give the Scot the whisky. Later the policeman met the Scot and asked him, “Did you notice his face when he gave you the whisky?” "Aye,” replied the Scotsman, “but you should have seen his face when I took- the bottle back and got my penny.”