A Great Social Invention.

Manawatu Times, Volume X, Issue 1177, 16 February 1884, Page 2

A Great Social Invention.

(From the San Francisco Post.) The other evenicg, as a pdrfcy 'of •the mOvst solemn meinhers of the Pacific Cab were swapping lies and chuckling oyer the thousand and ftrsb repetition of : 'the e; same "old "chestnut" stories, a thin man,attiied chiefly in 'i ! shiriy ;coat- and> ari ! ingratiating smile, slid ' into the rO p m> • . ; ' ; ;";'' ]'' '' "/''■'., '" "' ;ii :: " Don't want atiy boots 1 drlivei' pads,' growled one of the stewards " and; we've all subscribed to' the yellow fever sufferers." — [ " That's all right, gentlemen — I understand all- that^V. said th'e sti'aiit j*er rapidly unstrapping a small box ; •' but I have here: that 1 you do want — -worse than a hungry dog does a, bone— if yl. .va&j be allbwed the expression." fF/ea powder, eh?" asked old ,B6osey, the wine^merchajit./^ *, ;*^ .:■:.'; No, geitl^raeri i I|rmih|tb invite* your atterition%-to^-4he y Jast-i great' triumph, of inventive genius, the t husband's friend; tKe promoter of faniily concord, the pourer of oil upon the troubled wafers of domestic life." ' Good scheme,' said Judge man, waking up. * ' : ' Now, then r give me -your : entire attention,' said the thin man, impressively. ' What is itj gentlemen T^-what is it that is chiefly the cause of family jars and unhappiness —^now what is it ?' 'Latch keys,' said one member, tnoughtfully. " Dry goods bills," said another. " Lodge nights," added a third. " Mother-in-law,'-' put m a fourth. " No, gentlemen ; you haven't hit it yet.! Statistics show that ninetyfour per cent, of all domestic quarrels are brought about by a want of skill m expectoration on the part of the head of the family. You are all married men I take it ?" The entire delegation nodded their bald heads solemnly. " And such of you. as don't smoke chew. What's the result ? You expectorate accordingly, Of course, you use the spittoon, and you flatter yourself that you hit the bull's eye every time, but you don't. You try to do so, your intentions are honorable, bub the sad fact remains the same, that the parlour carpet and the bedi oom rugs become soiled. What follows ? Why, war— that most terrible curse of our alleged civilisation — domestic war !" The clubbers nodded a thoughtful assent. "Now, this failure to expectorate with precision arises from the unfortunate smallnesa of the human nose— there. is nothing to sight, by. The beat apitter I ever saw was. a man with a nose like a pelican. He could s^amp a, fly on. the wing,'V .; , ,"How was he ou clay pigeons.?',', asked a 1 sporting member. " Now, how do we remedy this unfortunate defect of the human face —now, bow? Why, naturally^ we

tr,eat the nose the same as a ride randip,ut sights on it," and the inventor produced a lot of peculiar instruments from his box. " I call this ' G-uffey's Combined Eye Glass Nose Sight and Deadshot Expectorator." By the use of this little apparatus you are enabled to r ate with the grea^t^precision from^ one [up to /fifteen, yards. ■' A simple turn of thjs jleyating. breech, .sight-rr similar to that of the Winchester rifle — does the entire business. Only one dollar. Fifty cents extra for this wind guage attachment, ' which enables the user to spit clear through a street car-^ without hitting the /cos?" ductor once. Just the thing for ferry-boats. Just. look-, afe this," and with great dexterity the speaker put - r ouj the lighfe'ofu member's >ci^a£ on tha other side of the room. As the.inventor, : picked hinffielftup at the bottom of the staircase a momeiig afterwards 1 , >He ! muttered', asi FT he dusted off his 'clotHes i *a m d 1 re*adjustedbis ears — " ■ .'i'iWhaVs Uhe ! : use- ofHtrying JWT ameliorate ;'the' condition^ of 1 ybnr'ol felipw-taen 1 m a" cPnimunitv^like-^ 1 .thiß?- i)Vi "-'V; , ; V' ..'! -.'*. : . : ' l' I '■■-£, ™ • hei off ,to : 'm thT ' Secretary ; df State about 'contracting for j a. hundred gross for_th_e_use qt^ the' Legislature. "-'