THE CHESTNUT TREE

Manawatu Times, Volume LV, Issue 7027, 10 December 1932, Page 5

THE CHESTNUT TREE

Black: You can no doubt give me some tickets for, the show, as you work at the kinenia. White: And as you work at the bank you can give me some banknotes! -If v? She: t hope your recent marriage has turned out a great success. He: Oh, quite; I’ve already made three plays out of my wife’s past. Doctor: Influenza in itself is not dangerous, but it can have serious consequences. Patient: So I noticed from your bill. Tom: I don’t believe my wife could tell a lie. George: Lucky chap! Mine can as soon as it’s out of my mouth. vf w vf Hubby: But, darling, we must economise. Wife: Exactly what I’m doing. I’m buying everything on credit. Wife: What do you mean by telling the maid that in future she and her sweetheart can dine with us? Husband: I’m tired of having that chap always get the best food. Yes, you have a perfect right to your opinion, but you also have a right to keep it to yourself. fr vJ •Jf “No, I ain’t naturally superstitious, but directly they made the score 13-0, I says to myself, ‘Bill, we’re goin’ to lose!”

Creating Employment,— “Just what good have you dono to humanity?” asked the judge before passing sentence on the pickpocket. “Well,” replied the confirmed criminal, “I’ve kept three or four detectives working regularly.” vf 4v Helping Father—Father (at son’s 21st birthday party): You are of age now, and ought to help me a little. Son: Yes, dad. What can I do for you? Father: You might pay the last three instalments on your perambulator. * * * He: I’ve a sort of feeling I’ve danced with you before somewhere. She: So have I. The pressure of your foot seems familiar! •X* . .• -If *3f Rea! Session.— “ What a long letter you have there.” “Yes, 16 pages from Liaue.” ' “What does she say?” “That she will tell me the news when she sees me.” *■ # Money Talks —Wife: John, is it true that money talks? Husband: Well, that’s what they say, •my dear. Wife: Well, I wish you would leave me a little here to talk to during the day. I get so lonely. Qualified.— Pat: D’ye see Calligan’s been elected to the Ways and Means Committee? Mike: That’s the roight job for him surely. That feller knows more ways of being mean than any man oi ever met.

Still Looking. —“ Are you still looking for your lost 6d, little boy?’’ “No; my small brother found it.’’ “Then what are you looking for?” “My small brother!” Taking It Different. —Brown (who was always boasting and trying to get the best of his neighbours): We are taking a different kind of holiday this year. None of your ordinary affairs. I have planned to take a tramp around the Lake District. Jones (sarcastically): It sounds all right, but do you think the tramp will enjoy it? ■if 4r *)f And the Rest. —Martin gazed critically at his friend’s car. "What did you give for that?” he asked. Jackson shrugged his shoulders. “Nothing,” he replied. “1 took it for a debt —a fellow owed me £200.” Martin sniffed contemptuously. “H’m!” he murmured. "Do you stand much change of getting the other £199?” ' . * * * Real Bad Luck.-— Sandy came home looking very down in the mouth. “What’s wrong?” asked his wife. “Aren’t we about the most unlucky family in the wurrld?” replied the Scot, “I don’t understand ye,” replied his wife, looking rather puzzled. “There's a chemist in the toon selling his medicines at half price, and here are we just back from holiday and all in the best of health!’/ Sandy explained

“And did he have the dentist take an X-ray of his wife’s jaw?” “He tried to, but all they could;get was a moving picture.” * * » Advertisement —Customer: Why do I get such a small portion to-day when I had such a large one yesterday? Waiter: Ah. sir, but you sat by the window yesterday. v * * Not Guilty —Husband: I've lost some money out of my trousers pocket. You don't think Willie could have taken it, do you?. Wife: Why suspect Willie? How do you know 1 didn’t take it? Husband: No, my dear. There’s still some left. vr 4C* 4 v*" Well-Meant—The manager of a small touring company, who played a farce in the big room of a village inn, mentioned to the landlord the quietness of the crowd, which didn’t even smile. “Ay,” chuckled the landlord. “I told ’em I’d chuck out the first man that made a sound. I didn’t want good actors like you laughed at.” * if * Very Deceptive —Taking an examination at Ottawa for entrance into the Canadian army, a young volunteer was asked to define military strategy. Hero was his answer: : “Military strategy is when you don’t let the enemy discover you are out of ammunition, but keep on firing.”

How Things Change. —A fly was walking with her daughter over the head of a very bald man. She said: “How things change, my dear! When I was your age this was only a footpath!” How Is It Done? —“This is a wonderful suit I am wearing.” “It looks very ordinary.” “But the wool came from Australia, English merchants sold it to a Scottish factory, it was woven in Saxony, made into a suit in Berlin ” “Nothing wonderful about that." “No, the wonder is that so many people can get a living out of something I have never paid for!” ■Jr Another Record —The steamer was on the move when Paddy rushed up and jumped from the quay on to the deck of the vessel. He received a nasty knock, and was unconscious for a few minutes. “What a jump!” he shouted when he came to, seeing the land a quarter of a mile away. •sf 4r Anxious Sportsman (who thinks he has backed a winner): Did you send off that wire in time? Village Postmistress: Yes, sir. But the money was a penny short, so I left out the name of the horse. , •Jf 4f *A* Popular. —The little girl. was attending her first party, and shortly after the proceedings started, approached her hostess. “Oh, please, may I have another dance programme?” she said, cheerfully. “I’ve filled this one!”

The Old Familiar Faces. —Preacher (at a reunion meeting): I have only one regret—l miss so many of the old faces I used to shake hands with. Noisy.— Dealer in Second-hand Cars: What’s the matter with the car you bought last week? • Victim: Everything makes a noise but the horn. No Judge. —" Her husband was a judge, wasn’t he?” “Everybody thought so till he married her.” Now We Know. —She was reading through the evening paper. Presently she looked up. “Henry, dear,” she said, “what exactly is a debtor?” “A man who owes money, of course, my dear,” he replied. She paused, and presently added: “Then what is a creditor?” He looked hard at his uninformed wife. “Why, the man who thinks he is going to get it back!” he returned bitterly. Sure Thing. —The scene was in a signal-box on a railway, where a genial high official was questioning the man at the controls. “And how long have you been in this box, my man?” “Oh,'l’ve been in here now for 35 years,” said the man. “My word! That’s a long time to be in one box.” “Aye, I know, but I’ll be a longer time in the next one.”