IRISH WIT AND HUMOUR.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 25, 3 September 1920, Page 4

IRISH WIT AND HUMOUR.

"Did you ever notice the differenee between a German picnic and an Irish picnic The Germans meet at the hall and march right out to the picnic. Do the Irish do that? Not on your life. They've got to march around town about three hours. Every man in the procession wants to pass his own house." Patsy. — "Mom, won't yer gimme me candy now?" Mrs Casey.— "Didn't oi tell ye oi wouldn' give ye anny at all if ye didn't kape still?"Patsy.— "Yes'm, but — " " Mrs Casey. — "Well, the longer ye kape still the sooner ye'll get it." Wealthy Citizen. — "But I said distinctly in my advertisement that I wanted 'a reliable coloured coachman," and you are a redfaced Irishman." Applican. — "But shure, sor, isn't red as reliable a colour as black?" Visitor. — "No, I won't come in. Could I see Mr Jon.es for two minutes?" Pat. — "What name shall I say, sor?" Visitor. — ' 'Mr Vandersplinkentootleheimer. Pat. — "Oeh! sure, ye'd better step in an' bring it wid ye. An Irish sergeant in a volunteer corps, being doubtful whether he had distributed rifles to all the men, called out : "All of ye that are without arms hold up your hands!"

An Irishman took a contract to dig v public well. When he had dug about twenty-five feet down, he came one morning and found it caved in— filled nearly to the top. Pat looked cautiously round and saw that no one was near, then took off his hat and coat and hung them on the windlass, crawled into some bushes and waited events. In a short. time, the citizens "discovered that the well had caved in, and seeing Pat's hat and coat on the windlass, they supposed he was at the bottom of the excavation. Only a f.ew hours of brisk digging cleared the loose earth from the well. Just as the eager citizens had reached the bottom, and were wondering where the body was, Pat came walking out of the bnshes, and good-naturedly tbanked them for relieving him of a sorry job. Some of the tired diggers were disgustedy but the joke was too good to allow of anything more than a hearty laugh, which soon followed. Cassidy. — "Brace np, man! Troth, ye lulc as if ye didn't hov a frind in th' whole wur'rld." Hogan. — "Oi hovn't." Cassidy. — "G'wan. If it ain't money ye want t' borry oi'm as good a friend as iver ye had." Mistress. — "Oh, Bridget, Bridget! What an awful numbskull you are! You've put the potatoes on the table with the skins on, right in front of our visitors too. jlou — you — what shall I call you?" Bridget (affably). — "Call me Agnes, if you loike mum, 'tis me the other name. An Irishman and a clergyman were travelling together in a railroad car one day when the son 'of Erin, to the consternation of his companion, produced a flask of Irish whisky and proceeded to quench his thirst. "My good man," ventured the clergyman, "are you aware that drink is your worst enemy?" "An faith I am, sor," replied Pat, with a smile. "Then why do you take it?" appealingly inquired the astonished parson. "Shure, because the Boihle vills n.e to love my enemies," was the reply. Police Magistrate.— "With what instrument or article did your wife inflict these wounds on your face and head?" Michael. — "Wid a motty, yer anner. " Police Magistrate. — "A — what?" Michael. — "A motty — wan o' thes-e frame wil 'Happy Be Our Home,' in it." An Irishman being asked what ls came to America for, sreplied, "Arrah ! the pow&rs! you may he sure it was t.ot for want, for I had plenty of that at home!" Reassuring Irish surgeon, to patient whose legs h© has just amputatii; "And now, my good fellow, cheer up. t\eep a stiff upper lip, and remain cairn, and in six weeks, I pledge you my word, I'll have you on your feet again." His Honour. — "What made you steal this genleman's door mat?" Pat. "Shure, yer honour, isn't 'wrlcome on it in letters as long' as ver a-r-m * -