IRISH WIT AND HUMOUR.

Digger (Invercargill RSA), Issue 34, 5 November 1920, Page 11

IRISH WIT AND HUMOUR.

"Bridget, has Jolmny come home from school yet?" "Yis, sorr." "Have you seen him?" ~ "No, sorr." "Then how do you know he's home?" "'Cause the cat's hidin' under the stove, sorr." First Passenger (irritably to Irishman who has stepped on his foot in the car) : "Where are your eyes, anyhow?" Celtic Passenger (pleasantly) :"In mehead." - First Passenger (warming up) : "Well, can't you see my feet?" Celtic Passenger (more pleasantly) : "No; yez have shoes on." Milce: "Shure, Pat, health is a good thing to have." Pat: "Yis, Moike, especially when yez is sick!" A. young lady went into a well-known establishment a few days ago and said to the floprwalker, "Do you keep stationery?" "No, ma'am," replied the flooi-vvalker ; "If I did I should lose me job." Farley: "Pat, have yez heard av this new thing called mind-reading?" Pat: "No, what is it all about?" Farley: "Oh, it's a great science and I'm pretty smart at it meself." Pat: "Phwat am I thinking of now?" Farley: "Sure ye think I'll ask ye m to have a drink, but divil a bit do I mane to." "I heard O'Reilly is going to prove an alibi at his trial." "What's an alibi, Pat?" "Sure, and it's being in two places at wanst !" Pat: "Did you attend Casey'g funeral?" Mike : "Oi did." Pat: "Was you wan av th' mourners?" Mike : "Oi was, somebody stole my hat. ' ' Casey : "How do you tell the age of a , turkey ?" Pat: "By the teeth." Casey: "A turkey liasn't got teeth!" Pat: "No, but I have." "How many men were in the riot?" asked the judge. "Four, your honour; three in the centre and one on the outside." "Hello, Mike, do you find muc'h to do now?" "Yis, I'm jest after cuttin' down a trae, and to-morrow I'll have to cut it> up." "I over heard that man who calls on you say something about betting, Bndget. I hope he doesn't frequent pool rooms?" "Shure, ma'm he doesn't know there's such a placs in the city. He's a policeman." Mistress : "I want a chicken smothered in gravy for dinner." C'ook : "If ye want it killed in as cruel a way as that, ye'll have ter do it yerself, mum !" Counting the Chickens. — "I've counted 'em all," said Pat, "but that little speckled one, and he won't keep still long enough to be counted."