Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVI, Issue 2230, 24 October 1908, Page 1 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

“This,” remarked Mr Cane, “is my photograph with my two French poodles. You recognise me, eh?” “I think so,” said MissiSofte. (‘You arc the one with the hat on, are you not ?’ ’

Savage Warrior: “I have come to inform you that the Cannibal King says lie will eat your wife in a lew minutes.” Mr Henpeck: “Well, there’s one consolation-r-I’ll bet she’ll disagree with him. -She always did with me.”

Tammas: “Surely, Donal’, the English /are vorra intefnpereet. I hear that in London yonder they haejmo’ publics tao stretch frae here' to G-iesgy. ’ ’ Donald: “Eh, raon, what a grand walk!”

Bagley: “AH of Mrs 'Howe’s children cal! her the ‘mater.’ Isn’t it nice to see such affection?” Bailey : “That isn’t affection. She succeeded in marrying off six daughters in six years, and they call her the ‘mater* because they think she has fairlv earned the title.”

Hearty Party (meeting old acquaintance)/: “How are you? Haven’t seen you for years. How’s the wifer” Old Acquaintance (very much married, grufflv) : “She’s all right.” H.P. (pleasantly): “Ha! I brought you two together, you remember.” O.A. (resentfully): “Oh, it’s you, is it, I owe a grudge to?”

"My dear,” announced a lady whoso husband had acquired a iorimie rather suddenly, “I believe you ought to get a coat of arms.” “Nonsense,” replied the man, whose wealth was considerably in excess of his education. “I’ve already got more clothes than I Know what to do with!”

“See here! That mackintosh you sold me last week is coming all to pieces.” said a man, angrily, to an “.alien” wardrobe dealer. “Veil, ma goot fellow, you. nod blame me, I hopes,” replied the cTotliies. “I do not makes der vedder!”

“Ah, my lad,” said the stranger, with an encouraging smile, “I can see that you were cut out for something big.” “That may he, mister,” replied the diminutive farmer hoy; “hut it generally happens that something big is cut out for mo.” “For you?” “Yes, dad’s trousers. These are a pair I have on now.*’ &

Hogan : “Have yc henr-rd me daughter Mona sing lately?” Dugan : “Both lately an’ earlier, bedad! ’Tis tli’ fine insthrumintai music she do make.” Hogan: “Ye ignoramus. Share, eingin’ ain’t insthrumintai music!” Dugan: “Begorra, thin, Keegan towktomo it wuz insthrumintai in causin’ him t* move . two stbreets away from yer house!”

White and trembling the new footman dashed into tnc dining-room of a palatial mansion. “A drop of brandy, for Heaven s sake!” lie dared to exclaim. Taken by surprise, bis master and mistress hastened to oblige him, and the liquid helped to restore his courage. “Whatever has happened. my man?” , , “Too terrible!” he gasped .alter, the ancient Cognac had been gulped down. “I’ve broken your old Sevres vase.”

A. certain stockbroker once went to a horscdealer and tried to pick up a general utility ua-g. Hn explained that he wanted a nice, quiet, gocu - looking animal for himself, which could he driven by his wife in a dogcart, and would not object on occasion to being bitched up to a lawnmower. The dealer listened to him with rapt attention, and finally asked, in dulcet tones: “Would you like him to wait at table at all," sir?”

An expert golfer bsdf the misfortune. to play a particularly vigorous stroke at the moment that a seedv wayfarer skulked across the edge of the course. The ball struck the. ties-p-issor and rendered him briefly insensible. When he recovered a sovereign was pressed into his hand by the iegrotful .golfer. . . . , 4 ‘Tliankee, sir,' 2 saicl the mjuiccl man, after a glance at the money. “An’-when will von be playin' again, sir?”

A Scotsman went to an English race-meeting and boldly staked a sovereign. The horse lie backed proved ,a winner, and he went to the “bookie to claim lvis winnings. I lie- sporting man begrudgingly handed him seven sovereigns. The .Scot looked at each one very carefully before placing it in his pocket. “Well,” said the bookie, with a snarl, “arc you afraid they’re had?’ “Oh, no,” said the Scotsman; “but I was 'just lookin’ to male’ sure the. bad ’mi .I gic’d ye wasna aiming" them.”

■Ho was up from flie provinces and was “seeing” London from .the top of ,i Ims. As thev swung down Ludgate Hill he asked the driver to point out the places of interest. “flight you arc. sir,” agreed the driver-, touching his hat. “There's the Old Bailey, where they used +0 ’ana ’em.” , \ little later : “There’s the Ouses of Parliament, where they made the laws wot caused the ’anging. An there’s Westminster Habbey, vlieie they buries the good, ’uns wot don t get hinged!”

* it was the geography lesson in the infants’ class, and the patient teacher was doing her best to instil into tlio minds of the little ones the meaning of the word “desert.” “So, you see, children, she said, “a desert is. a great place where uothino- will grow. Now" .Johnnie Tomkins? I don’t believe you were listening.” '“Yes. I was, teacher.” “And do you know what a desci s

is ?* 5 ’ . “Yes, teacher—a place where nothing will grow.” “That is correct. Now, give me an instance of one of the world s deserts.” “My dadcl.y’.s teacher ! ■yon tuveif

MULLINGAR SENSATION.

LEPRECHAUN STORY REVIVED STRANGE CAPTURE BY POLICEMAN.

Tho “Irish Times” of -August 13 publishes the following from, its Mullingar correspondent: A sensation was caused, in Mullingar to-day when, tho report wont abroad that the Kiliough “leprechaun” had been caught at last. It will be remembered that for more than two months strange 6tories came from Kiliough district about the appearance at times of a diminutive creature corrcspoxiding in appearance to the traditional leprechaun. The frequent -appearances of the little man wore vouched for at the time in tho most emphatic manner by several school children, some of whom when coming along the road on occasions greatly surprised tlieir elders by suddenly shouting “Look at him,” and {minting into a field or wood, und folowirig the movements of something whieli the seniors could not see.

The report abroad to-day that a diminutive inmate of the Mullingar Workhouse was the “leprechaun” caused, naturally, no little sensation, and more than one person endeavored to secure a peep at him during the day. The little man was found by two of the Mullingar police late yesterday evening in a wood at Portloman, about three miles from here, bordering the historic Lough Onel. He was brought into Mullingar, and was received in the Workhouse, -where he is now an inmate of the infirm ward. He has eaten bread and other food heartily and frequently, as if h© stood much in need of it. His name has not been discovered so far, nor has anything to furnish him with an identity transpired. When spoken to to-day by several people and questioned he answered no word, hut uttered always a curious sound, which is described as between “a loud squeal and a growl.” In appearance he is very diminutive, and his hands are thin and delicate looking. He 1= regarded with great wonder, not unmixed with awe, by his fellow-inmates.

A SOCIAL PEST. I struggleil with '.brute Nature all those years To made .within these Isles for mo and mine, A home far from (that home .beyond the Line, The thoughts whereof yet touch the (heart- to tears:

I .put mv means and manhood tin the land, ’Till in declining life I made my way, . And made this English home you see this day . From out the Wild with sweat or brain and hand:

Mon 1 brought out, and others worked for me: All made them homes, and most on ample ground: Their eons, good settlers, some of them are found More prosperous than my own will ever be:

They welcomed me, the Government of tbo day; But now I’m called a social Least of prey. —A.Y.T. in the “Dominion.”