Wit and Humour.

Gisborne Times, Volume XXVII, Issue 2419, 6 February 1909, Page 9 (Supplement)

Wit and Humour.

“Well,, young Dr. Slicer has made his mark already, hasn’t ho ” “Yes—'did it on the first case.” “Great work! What did he do?” “Vaccinated him.”

“Your hair wants cutting badly, sir,” said a barber, insinuatingly to a customer.

“No, it doesn’t,” replied the man in the chair ; “it wants cutting nicely. You cut it badly last time.”

O Hicks: “Micawber’s wealth, I dare say, is wholly due to his own unaided efforts.” Wicks> “On the contrary, the most of it is due to his creditors; but they never get any of it.”

Friend: “You took your son inter your establishment some months ago to teach him the business, I understand. How did it turn out?”

Business Man (wearily): “Great success. He’s teaching me now.”

Heiress: “But father, that 'handsome foreign Count says he will do something desperate and awful il' I will not marry him.”

Father (dryly): “He will. He will have to work.”

The Minister: “Then you don’t think I iiracti.se what 1 preach, eh ” The Deacon: “No, sir, I don’t. You’ve been preachin’ on the subjec’ o’ resignation fur twa years, an’ ye liivna resigned yit.”

“Of course,” said the lady with the steel-bound glasses. “I expect to be called ‘strong-minded’ after making a speech three hours long in favor ol our sex, hut to have, it mis-printed into ‘strong-winded’ was too, too much.”

First Passenger: “"Pardon me, but would you mind lending me your spectacles a moment?” Second Passenger: “With .pleasure, sir.” First Passenger : “Thanks, awfully. And now you can no longer read yournewspaper, would you kindly pass it over to me?”

A politician, who was making a house-to-house canvass during a recent election, came to a farmhouse, when he observed a young woman standing at the gate, and the candidate gracefully lilted his hat and politely asked:— 1 . , “No douMf, madam, your husband is at heme.-” “Yes,” responded the woman. “Might I have the pleasure of seeing him?” inquired the politician. “He’s down in the pasture a-bury-in’ the dog.” was the reply from tho individual at the gate. • “I am very sorry indeed to learn of the death of your dog,” came the sympathising tone from the candidate. “What killed him?” “He wore hisself out a-barkm’ at the candidates,” said the woman.

SPARROW MARKET WAS STEADY.

The Rev Simon Turpie was an eloquent speaker. A young man in the ova'Ctr tt ti iru ,u u I'lln O it, iu<l \ 'j 101 he departed he attended the chinch service. ~ . , , ~ In the course of lus lecture the mi - ister used an illustration in "'hie i were the words: “It man can easily purchase two sparrows for tlnee P °Thc young man, after being absent for about three years, returned, and again on the first opportunity attenc - ed Divine service. Strange to say lie heard the same narrative from the same minister. . . At the close of the service the minister in his courtesy came and shook hands with the youth, and asked him if he noticed any change m the place. The young man, evidently quite unconcerned, replied: “Aye, mail, there s two or tlnee changes, but there’s yin thing I see, the price o’ sparrows is aye at the same auld figger.”

UNUSED TO GAS-STOVES.^ Jones was very much alarmed by the ‘-‘dear coal” scare, for dear coal means dear gas, and as he uses gas, and as lie uses gas almost exclusively, it meant a serious addition to Ins weekly expenditure. ... “1 am only thanklul, he said, i haven’t still got the cook I brought home when 1 was first married. She was a splendid servant, but she didn’t know anything about gas to cook with; so when 1 first moved into my flat 1 went to the kitchen vrith her to explain about the range. I lit the burners, blit,, while explaining, a messago called me Ironi the kitchen, -anc I left her, saying, I think you will find that it will work all right now, Matha.” . f , “I didn’t see tho cook 'again ioi four or five days; then, happening to go into the kitchen, I said. ‘Veil, Martha, how’s the range doing. “To my utter consternation she replied, ‘’Deed, sir, that’s the best stove I. ever did see. That fire which you lit for me four days ago is still aburniug, and it ain’t even lowered once!’ ’

UNDER CROSS-EXAMINATION • “You are the pi a inti If in this ease, I believe?” said the counsel lor the defence to Mr. Ferry.

“I am. . - “And you are suing Mr. Irani lot ton feet of ground more than you “But Ido own it. That’s why I’m suing for possession.” p “You think your land extends ten feet oast on what Mr. Train claims as his?” “How long have you claimed this ten feet?” , . , , “Ever since I had it surveyed two years ago.” . “Why did you not bring a suit ioi it sooner?” . n “I W as trying to obtain it arnicaDl y without going to law.” “Mr. Ferry, so recently as last December you laid no. claim to this ten feet now in' dispute.” “What’s that?” “Did you not, one day last December, tell Mr. Train that your ground came only to the point which he claims as his? Now, refresh your memory, and remember you aio under each. The occasion I refer to was on Tuesday (afternoon, and Mr. Madox was present.” “W-c-1-1.” replied Ferry, after a thoughtful pause, “that was when we wore shovelling snow off our pavements. ”