ODSS AND ENDS.

New Zealand Herald, Volume XVII, Issue 5842, 7 August 1880, Page 3

ODSS AND ENDS.

Dead locks—False hair. That's gnome matter—A ghost story. A hard thing to beat—A. hard-boiled epg. Tho nick of time—When ho outs his stick. Some of the dearest spots on earth aro mortgaged. A Frenchman says that tho soul o£ wino is at the top. It must bo a cork soul. None but cowards habitually colour thoir beards. The bravo dye but onco. A wag said of Sα egotistical writer, " Somebody should take pity on his readers aud put out hia I's." Why is a Zulu belle like a prophet of old? Because sbo has not much on 'cr in her own, country. Victor Hugo defines Pnraliso, " Whoro the parents shall bo always young and tho children always little." "Will the action liet" inquires the nniious client. "Yes," replies She faoctiom attorney, " tho action will Ho if tho witness Will."

Parish Clergyman (meeting an intoxicated villager): " Drunk as usual, William!" William : " Deed, sir, bo aui I." Collapse of clergyman. It is tho easiest thing in tho world to find a man willing to bet a hat on hie candidate, but it is the hardest thing in tko world to <WL tho man if he loses. When you sec a man tako off his hat to you, it is a sign that ho respects you; but when ho is seen divesting himeolf of his coat, you can make up your mind that ho intends you shall respect him. Tramp: " Whoso 'oua ir this, sir ?"' Gardener: "Squire Noakiß's." Tramp: "Do you think 1 could get anything thero 1" Gardener : " Well, I don't know—the last o , your sort got twenty-one days 1" Thero was an elephant that had boon trained to play the piano with its trunk in a ehow. Ono day a new piano was bought for, it, but no Eosnor had the elephant touched tho keys than it buret into a flopd of teure, " What ails you, Klouni?' , aaked its koepcr. Tho poor beast could only point to the ivory keys. They were made of tho tusks of hie mother. Ho stood twirling his hat in hia hand in tho hallway. It was about tiuio for morning stare to begin their song together. " WeU," and ho moved ouo step nearer tho door. " Well," she replied, as sho stopped towards tho door also. " Well, I—l—muet be going. If—" "That's right, John, if," and eho leaned her head ou hia Bhuuldor. " If—you havo—any —conundrums—to'—• ask — ask— them now." He was measured for a new plug hat and a pair of kid gloves that eamo day. Scmo years ago thero was a number o£ army officers stopping at an hotel in Washington. Among them wero a Captain. Kincreon and a Captain Jones. Kmcreon and Joucs used to have a good deal of fun together at the tablo and elsewhere. Ouo day, at tho dinner table, when the dining-hall was well died, Captain JciiOi finished his dinner first, got up, and walked almost to the dining-hall door, when Emerson, called to him in a loud voice—" Halloa, Captain I Seo hero ; I want lo speak to you a minute." The captain turned and walked back to tho table, and bent over him, when Emerson whiepored, " I wanted lo ask you how far you would have gone if 1 had not spoken to you." The ciptaiu never changed a muf cle, but etraightened up and put liis fitigera into his vest pocket, aud said, "C.tptain Emerson, I dou't know cf a man in tho world I would rather lend five dollars to than you ; but tho fact is I haven't a cent with me to-day ;" and lid turned on his heel and walked away. Uincrsou was the colour of half a dozen rainbows ; but ho hal lo stand it. A man out West has invented a devico to prevent mr.rkctm.cn from palming offold eggs. Tlio invention is thus described : Ho proposes to arrange a rubber stamp in tho nest of every hen, with a movable dsto. This stamp is arranged with a pud, which is saturated with indelible ink. When tho hen Uya an as is well knov.n, sho kicks slightly with her hind-log. An electiio disk is arranged eo that her foot touches it, when the stamp turns ovit unto tho ink-pad aud then revolves, stamping tho datu on tho egg. Tho hen then go:s off about her business, tho farmer's hired girl rtmorcs tho egg, and r.places tho stamp, which is ready for another. On each evening, after the hens have retired to their downy, roost with tho roosters, tho dato of the stamp is chauged to th'j following day, and the good work goes on. In Una way thero can bo no cheating, xou go to the grocery aud ask for fresh eggs, and tho erocerymnn aaya ho lias soino eggs of tno vintoro of March 1, ISSO, forinetaucc. You look nt them, and thero aro the ■ figures, which cannot lie.— Anurican Paper